Men that have been sexually assaulted by men, what happened and how do you cope with it?

I was sexually abused (I am a guy) by my best friend in grade school for two years. I didn’t know what was happening because I was only 11 at the time, and when I realized that I was being used, my “friend” had become violent and it scared me into trying to accept what was going on. He tried separating me from interacting with other people. I told two of my now closest friends in the bathroom after school what had happened after the latest violent episode, and they told their parents and things snowballed. My parents and everyone supported me after my school SUSPENDED me because I spoke out against my abuser, and I saw a therapist for nearly 2 years straight. It’s now 15 years later, and honestly, what has helped me through this all is forgiveness. You have to face it with a support system and acknowledge any feelings or sensations you may remember, or any anger or guilt that you have towards yourself. For example, I thought I was over it until last year, I found out that he was getting married. It felt like I had a hole torn in my side all over again. I prayed for him and his wife and it was the hardest damn thing in my life. And part of that was revisiting what had happened and letting go of what I thought should happen to him when I was younger. And praying hard that he overcame what he did to me 15 years ago and actually became a man of character, for his wife and his future children’s sake. I was so close to showing up to his wedding and just ruining it because all the details were posted online (it was a 2 hour drive away), but decided not to let the desire for vengeance that I had stuffed away hold me anymore. I will never forget what he did to me, but I forgive him for it. I still struggle with my own sexuality to this day, because it feels like my experience with intimacy is tainted by what happened, and I’m afraid that during the act that I’ll have a vivid memory for the first time in many years again. It had affected a previous relationship with a girlfriend. At the moment , it’s porn and avoidance of the whole affair until I have a partner that I can really open up to. I never really acknowledged that until I began writing this post. Being sexually abused leads to a complicated mess of tangled personal feelings that will take years to work through. The best thing that you can do is to be honest to yourself and not hide it from those closest to you. I’ve been dishonest with myself about my recovery, convinced myself I worked through everything, to only find out that I had hidden away the last few remaining scars until the reality hit me in the face. I probably still need help in certain areas. Look for help with other people that you trust (and a professional therapist), understand that what happened wasn’t your fault (because abusers will always manipulate you. That was my first struggle as a child to learn), don’t hide your feelings, and learn to love yourself again. Understand that sexual abuse is a healing process that takes many years. If you feel like you ever hit a snag in your recovery and you feel that you’re back to square one emotionally, think about how far you’ve come, the victories and progress that you’ve made along the way, and ask for help from somebody you trust or a therapist. I hope my post (as well as others in this thread) helps you and others. Talking about it helps too.

/r/AskReddit Thread