Agape: the first meaning of the word is when you put someone else's needs ahead of your needs. Putting someone else's wants before your wants. I've always tried to stick to that. My parents marriage was a symphony of disaster, and the main reason was they only really cared about themselves first, constantly fighting over money and those types of things.
So, when I met my wife, when I realized that this was the woman I would be married to for the rest of my life, I asked he if she'd like to get married. That was 3 weeks after we first met. We took a couple weeks to get used to the idea, then told her parents (5-6 weeks after we first met). We told my parents a month or two later (their still married, somehow, but how...).
Next thing I did was give her all my money. No, not in a melodramatic way. I don't remember my exact words but it was something like this. "From now on, you have all of my money. When I go to work, they money is going to you,and you alone. You may do with it as you please. All I ask is that you feed me, and take care of us, and let me know if something needs my signature.". She gave me this look, we'd only been engaged for a couple months at this point. " Don't look at me like that. It's your money now, its your problem.". And then I explained to her that the money would be worth nothing to me if things went bad between her and I. So, rather than let money come between her and I, she could have all of it. And it's been that way for over 20 years.
I got sick a little over 10 years ago. Bad enough that we had doctors telling us that there was little they could do at one point. If it had been 20 years earlier, I really would be dead. But, with trips to very expensive hospitals, and some fairly new treatment options, I'm still alive. Kicker is, I'm miserable. I'm in pain every day. I really didn't know what the word suffering meant until then. And, there's nothing the doctors can really do about it. It is what it is. I've prayed for release so many times now it just makes me frustrated thinking about it.
Everything about our lives has gone wrong, and while I'd like to say that determination has made it better, I'd really would say the lack of giving up has kept us afloat. I pray to God for release, but if he's going to keep me here and with her, then I won't give up, even if my not giving up doesn't feel like going at times.
So, when I look at my wife, the feeling I get is.... I've made it this far, I'm not about to stop here if God'll give me the strength to keep going.
And strangely enough, I usually only think of that when I look at her.