I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to talk about this, but four years ago I rushed into a relationship with a woman who'd pursued me vigilantly for months. Even though I wasn't sure it would work and even though I realized it didn't feel right--especially since her dad had passed away that very same year and she more than likely was still recovering from his loss--I was convinced that our Christianity and our virginity, and her absolute conviction God had destined me to be her husband would sustain a relationship. So when I was asked to consult her pastor about us, I felt encouraged enough to make the leap. Up until this point, at 26 years old, I'd never had a girlfriend before and I was tired of feeling and being alone. So I said, "I feel we should be together." And then took her out to dinner.....

The first red flag was when she insisted that no other woman would ever make me as happy as she would when I confessed that the reason I pulled the trigger on a serious relationship was out of deep longing for companionship and out of loneliness. The second red flag was her telling me that she needed me to be spiritually strong because she considered herself to be a "prophetess" and that she was therefore subject to demonic attack and spiritual warfare. I proceeded to consent to her terms. She withheld all forms of physical affection out of fear of me tempting her into sin in any way, even when it came to something as innocent as holding hands or putting my arm around her shoulder, letting alone kissing. And she was prone to random, unpredictable bouts of anger at me and others. She'd ask for me to come over to her house on occasion and despite not having a car and taking a three hour bus ride across town, when I'd show up I'd be treated very coldly and with no enthusiasm and be told "I just wanted you to come. Have a good night." I knew something was wrong but I kept my mouth shut, regretfully, because I didn't want to come off looking selfish. I also realized that deep down I was falling out of love with this woman, and was hanging on to us out of desperation. Finally, she opened up by first apologizing about her outbursts and then opening up about how weird it felt and how weird it felt between us, and how little we had in common after all. And I asked her if she felt we were better off being friends or taking another break, but she was adamant because she knew God wanted us together.

Within a week, I'd be accused of cheating because of dreams she'd had about me dating other women and confessing my love for them and sleeping around. This when I realized things were becoming abusive and manipulative on her part. And I'd finally had it and told her that I couldn't be with her, that after all of this behavior I've witnessed that not only could I not love her, but that now I didn't even like her anymore and that I hated myself for dragging things out with her out of obligation, and that I was so sorry but that I could no longer be in a relationship with her. I knew I'd let her down badly for holding my feelings back and being, frankly, emotionally deceptive and in that respect I had to take some of the blame for how badly the relationship went. Nevertheless, she was persistent about keeping us together, buying me gifts and clothes to try to win me back, but I insisted that this relationship was not healthy for either of us and it was time for us to move on. The both of us agreed to go no contact.

The next year, she contacted me and told me she missed me, and that after our breakup she was so distraught that she started drinking and smoking heavily, which brought on extreme guilt to my psyche. And she begged me to reconsider our relationship, but I continued to insist that it was not going to work out and that I did not want to risk breaking her heart again. Soon after this I started setting limits, forbidding her from coming inside my apartment and hanging out alone and reducing phone contact.

I feel like shit, for everything.