My whole life has been one monotonous blur til drugs and suddenly I went from black and white to seeing technicolor and shit I can't even explain
This isn't what I mean. When I was 8 I had the realization that life had already peaked and the novelty of each day was in a constant decline. When I was 9 I told my teacher that I planned to kill myself before turning 16, because that's when I was convinced life would become a net loss of happiness.
I was also very tech oriented until I had the rosy period of 12-13 when the novelty of puberty brought the zest for life back. However, to be honest (this must sound completely ridicilous) my first teenage crush completely ruined my life.
Because of social anxiety I never did shit about it, it turned into an obsession, 1 year later I had gone from happy straight edge C+ student to a drinker, smoker and drug user with more than 70% curricular absence.
And true....I can't quit it now unless I want to be a depressed sack of fat shit like I was in the past. Already feel the easy slip back into old habits of laziness, eating endlessly, depression, social isolation, etc. And that was only a few days without it....
Exactly how I feel. I've never been physically addicted (I use maybe 1-3 times a week) but I'm 100% psychologically addicted and obviously never planning to quit.
Thing is I've been abstinent from both alcohol, tobacco and drugs for periods upwards to 6 months at a time but what I lost during that year never seems to come back. I honestly think my "crushes" cause me brain damage, especially since the second one caused me to see shadow people daily when sober.
Good news, though, because with the help of amphetamine I can addict my brain to something else with superior dopamine release and avoid the whole 3-month mania & psychosis hassle I had last time (Including violent behaviour and pyromania, I'm a danger to the general public at these times).
But yeah I'm basically a poly addict. I love Meth the most due to how easy it is to use daily but I also love using LSD, DXM, NITROUUUSSS (fuck yeah man), MDMA, Ketamine, etc.
I stick to Amph and weed, they do just fine for me. Weed for crashing/withdrawing and Amph for just about everything in life except sleeping and eating lol.
MDMA is too neurotoxic for my taste, DXM doesn't exist here, LSD has too high risk of triggering psychosis (runs in the family btw), and Ketamine I haven't been able to find yet but I'll definitely try it when available.
Quitting is a losing battle but it has the biggest rewards in terms of sanity and health.
Yes, but you have to choose your battles wisely. I'm currently 7 days into having quit smoking tobacco but I have no plans to ever quit amphetamine. The benefit/cost ratio of tobacco is really shitty, the same on Dexamphetamine is good to great. Maximizing my long-term pleasure is the plan here.
But it's always an easy step back for me since a relapse is only immenent and every day I go without anything similar is like purposefully stopping yourself from doing ANYTHING enjoyable.
Exactly. All time went without amphs is just waiting to get them again. Plain pointless except if your tolerance needs to drop.
And the worst part is anything enjoyable feels dull in comparison to being on Meth.
I don't have that issue. I can (and have, during aforementioned second period of mania) easily quit Amphs completely. Problem is, the alternative brings a much greater social, economic and health cost than the drugs. Ironically in terms of effects they're roughly the same (I legit slept 30min/night for weeks without any drugs).
And I truly understand that feeling now. And that's fucking SCARY...
I mean DARE kinda had a point, when it comes to Amphs you truly do get addicted within the first 2-3 uses. You don't realize it but you're always going to be searching for that ultimate feeling afterwards.