#metoo

Me too. Here goes. Apart from (maybe) telling my therapist one day I am unlikely to ever speak of some of these things anywhere else.

Because of my extreme social difficulties / isolation, I probably never got nearly as much harassment or abuse as I might have otherwise. But I still got some.

Having sexist remarks shouted at me while swimming which reminded me that yes I was a girl who was about to turn into a woman. Aged 8-9.

More sexist remarks from older brothers of a friend, also aged around 8-9 and much of it targeted at my body.

Wolf whistles from buildings / hooting from passing cars and vans from around the age of 10.

Having quite pervy stuff said to me by my sister's boyfriend, age 14. In front of my sister.

Actually getting physically felt up repeatedly by a guy at college in full view of everyone and with absolutely zero shame on the part of said guy. Stuff like back tickling and face stroking, which I actually felt at the time would be too harsh to tell him to stop, just giggling awkwardly. He did this to literally every single female in the class and I still don't know if anyone came forward about it, but it was talked about between the girls once, as simply a minor annoyance.

The few guys I met online between the ages of 17-20 who I naively thought wanted to be "just friends" who obviously wanted more.

The guy I met up with who started trying it on in the hostel, saying I should "maybe force myself" when I said I wasn't ready or willing to have sex. Falling asleep from too much wine during a trip to the cinema and having him joke about having a feel when I was asleep. Not knowing for sure how much truth there was to this. Finding out soon after that the guy had a girlfriend and a kid at home. Meeting another guy who all but went apeshit on me when I said I wanted to be just friends and no more. He later apologised and went back to being ok again but still.

Developing a fixation on being too fleshy "down there" and getting it all cut off (I was actually on the verge of doing it myself at one point) then going to a clinic where nothing really happened except having the doctor do an examination of some kind then take photos of down there, then being sent on my way. Remembering feeling a very odd kind of violation and wondering what the point of that even was, wondering if it was even a fully reputable place. Eventually getting it done by another doctor. A more reputable place this time. Then being told to pretend it never happened. As if there was some shame in it.

The time I was actively messaged online, insisting that it was "fate" and they knew we "had to be together or something", then when we met up started just doing sexual stuff to me while I basically just froze and numbly complied because I was too scared to say no (having exhibited a potential for actual physical violence by that stage and "having connections" to actual dangerous people) and me actually not feeling like I had a right to say no because they were "so sure" that this had to happen that they must be right. That's how fucking vulnerable and lonely and low my self esteem was at the time. Apparently it was a relationship/sex but it was all so surreal and I was so detached mentally that to this day I simply consider it to be "a big mistake / a bad thing that happened to me one time" and nothing more. I eventually cut off contact because they had threatened to actually have someone killed and I couldn't bring them anywhere near my family. Cue rage and demands for explanations from behind a screen, texts full of vitriolic name calling then, finally, silence.

Then no more instances of harassment or abuse or anything of a sexual nature for a very long time. Perhaps because I withdrew from socialising and from life almost completely but then most likely partly out of luck too.

I entered my first (and to this day only) fully consensual proper relationship aged 25. There was no abuse there, however there were plenty of mood swings and,later in the relationship, our sex drives were so mismatched that I felt like I was having sex mostly not to "deprive" him or make him feel rejected, as he was starting to say he felt that way. He'd frequently put his hand up my top under the clothes when in bed and because of my body image issues I didn't like this and tried to tell him this but he again took this as a personal rejection so I eventually just let him keep doing it. One time that sticks out in my mind was when I went out drinking with friends and came home drunk and (fucked if I remember why) I somehow ended up promising him anal if he did something. He did the thing but by then I had developed a really bad wine headache to the point where I had to go lie down groaning in pain. He still kept trying to jokingly insist that we still do it saying "you did promise" and I'll still entirely allow for the fact that it was meant as a joke and he didn't really expect me to, but at the time I wasn't even sure and if the asking had kept up I'm certain I would've just ended up going along with that too.

Since that relationship ended (and to this day we're still close and I still have feelings for him and I'm sure him for me) I've not really had anything happen apart from the odd cat call from a passing van but years of that happening turned me into an almost total recluse. I rarely leave the house now. And when I do I'm on my guard all the time.

/r/GenderCritical Thread