MFW I realised 2 weeks ago I have to finish this, put it off because don't want to, but I have to because it hurts to be in this. But I still don't wanna.

I've known him for five months. We hung out, went dancing and camping and stuff for the first two and got to know each other as friends.

He made it clear that he wasn't into exclusive relationships. I don't have an issue being casual either. So three months ago we started sleeping together.

I had the entire summer off and so did he. So we were together 5-6 days a week. We went to events, travelled the country, put several years of activities into one summer. Hiking, camping, sauna parties with his friends and mine.

We would wake up in the morning, put a finger on the map and off we went, sometimes by car, sometimes on his motorbike.

So many people saw us around it reached my parents and most friends assumed we were solid (comments of the kind all around). We would hold hands at parties and in the cinema.

When it was just the two of us in the woods under the stars, we would fall asleep cuddling after talking for hours and hours about everything and anything.

When it was his mom's birthday, it was just the three of us for the birthday lunch and later I was invited to the dinner party as well.

Im sorry for the wall of text, but I'm mourning and trying to let go.

Now. We had the conversation in May that we would not be exclusive, this was casual, but there has been no time for anybody else and to be completely honest, the entire summer has been obligation free, full of laughter, experiences and adventure and so much togetherness.

So when two weeks ago I made a comment about grabbing some Korean, and his response was "not in the mood tonight, had a date the other night with a girl who wanted Korean" I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.

I played it cool, tried to take some time to examine my feelings (obviously they happened) and even went on a couple of Tinder dates myself over the last weeks. Didn't tell him, as the purpose wasn't to make him jealous, more to find out if I could be interested in someone else as well and actually date them.

Nope. I got asked for second dates, but nope. Not interested.

Shit.

In the meantime, I guess he sensed I was ruffled, so he's been trying to put up more fences. He's suddenly commenting on attractive girls in streets and cafes (he hadn't done that before) and pushing me to ask out cute guys we've seen (again, something new) and overall obviously realising both of us seriously messed up the keeping it casual part.

I tried to initiate a conversation with him. I asked him to think about exactly "what he wants with me" and he asked for some time.

This is what I'm dealing with now. He's out of town with some friends until Monday (btw, the first weekend in three months we haven't spent together and he's not even responded to one casual text in two days) and I'm alternatively eating myself into ice cream coma, crying and feeling like puking.

It's already over. We just haven't formalised it yet. :(

To be fair, despite the abrupt and rude ending, the three months were a fucking Hollywood movie. And those aren't real, so what the fuck did I expect.

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