Dude... you just described my whole life. My mom has been seriously ill off and on since I was 14. Sometimes almost dying, other times bouncing back to be almost normal again. She's been in 4 months solid at this point. my dad and I take turns in the hospital with her. I actually had to quit my second job to be there to help...

I've been dealing about the same way. After a point the urgency wears off, your strength fades. I want so bad to give up and never go back into the hospital but she doesn't get to choose if she is in or out, so it's not an option for us. No giving up until the bitter end. I think sometimes she's trying to die. But thats still likely years off. This is just the beginning of that downward spiral. And I went from almost never drinking to excess to getting blitzed once a week or so to cope. Fitness routine took a hit, then went away all together only to recently be revived a few weeks ago to stay sane.

I actually became an EMT partially because I grew up with it and was sick of feeling useless when her episode came. But now I'm an adult and an EMT and still cant really help her. Because EMS is kind of useless. And now my role is chasing after nurses trying to help make sure she gets her meds on time, and yelling at doctors who think they know it all that we have a fucking specialist, the best doctor in the country for the disease she has who agreed to take on her case and has a specialized treatment planfor her that most of the doctors try to ignore because of course they know better than the fucking doctor who heads the fucking research lab.

Anyway. Im sorry. I don't know shit about dealing with it well. But drinking seems like a pretty good bad way and I don't feel any shame in it.