Hey man stay in there. My mom got diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 18, I’m about to be 22. Let me tell you something that no one will else will tell you. That shit is difficult, possibly the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my life, I turned to alcohol, pills and about anything to suppress that feeling, that feeling of walking on a tightrope, feeling like a gust of wind could drastically change your life. not knowing whether you’ll mom will die, from one morning to the next. Luckily my moms gone through a few rounds of radiation, she’s had a couple surgeries, every bit as much difficult for her and for a person to watch. But thankful to who knows what, her belief, the people that care for her beliefs, or god but she still around and a couple years away from kicking cancers ass and hopefully going into remission. But like I said no one will tell you this, so I’ll be blunt as fuck with but you will never feel so helpless in your life, you will never want to trade places as bad as when you find out someone you love has cancer, especially your mother. But like you said you just knew when your mother said “call me” I knew too, I remember that day from time to time, one of the most traumatic moments in my life, fuck probably the one single moments that’s had the most impact on my life. So I’ll end it with this, stop killing yourself infront of person who actually has no choice whether they live or die. My moms cancer made me fearless and reckless, I’m making it know to you that there’s beauty in the things that make us hurt, turn that fucking thing into fuel, let it drive you. Anyways man, I’ve been there, I probably asked a few of the same questions you’re asking yourself right now to myself at one point but you know what I just wish I had used all that pain when I was 18,19, and 20 as motivation, I do now but sometimes you just gotta go through it. So bro I don’t know you and I’m not too religious especially after my moms cancer but if there is a god, let it be w your mom, yourself and family ❤️