Monday Writers' Pitch- Scarlett Johansson

Cold Open: A crowd of young liberal types has gathered for an important press conference; Bruce Jenner's big announcement. The young people talk about how brave Jenner is, admonish conservatives for their intolerance on LGBT issues, and resolve to accept Jenner with open arms.

Another group has come out to protest Jenner, as well, with picket signs and the like. They exchange a few heated words.

Jenner (Killam) comes out to great applause, and somberly declares that he can no longer live a lie...

He is, in fact, a Republican.

Both sides of the crowd don't know what to do.

He looks visibly relieved to get the news out. He explains what he had to go through--getting caught trying out cowboy hats in the closet, hiding Brad Paisley CD's. "When I told homeless people to get a job, I had to do it under my breath." As a Republican, he announces he's writing a check of "23 cents of every dollar I ever earned--since I am now, in fact, a woman," to the U.S. treasury. This illicits cheers now from the Republican crowd, who chant "U.S.A! U.S.A!"

This yields sour faces from the liberal, who have had enough. They begin to boo and throw fruit. Someone says, "We were ready to call you THE hero for the transgender movement...can't you just be a transgender icon the way God intended?"

Jenner reminds him that they were ready to accept his decision for something else...only now, once they disagree with his outlook, they've become just as intolerant as any Republican. "Listen, I'm sorry you can't so easily pigeon-hole me, but be realistic: I can't be the first transgendered Republican former Olympian reality TV show patriarch you've met, right?" The crowd decides that they were being hypocritical...that you can't judge someone for their gender, their sexual orientation, or their politics.

"Good," Jenner says. "Gosh, you know, it feels so good getting this stuff off my chest, I have to admit: I never liked Breaking Bad."

BOTH crowds erupt with intolerance and chases him off with pitchforks. And in the chaos, we get "Live from New York..."

Monologue: ScarJo talks about her new movie Avengers but says that after all of the media she's done, and working at being a movie star for so long, she kind of just wants to unwind and be herself and not focus on looking sexy all the time. She starts to deconstruct:

  • She takes off her heels. "All I really ever wanted to wear are my Garfield slippers."
  • "Like, this? Not even my hair. It's a wig." (It turns out she has wiry grey hair underneath.) "Ahhh, that feels better."
  • Someone hands her a bag of Cheetos while she's talking
  • "And you know the oldest trick in the book? Everyone in Hollywood is holding in their gut 24 hours a day. Here's what I actually look like." She unstraps the disguised jacket she's been wearing to reveal a plump prop gut underneath her shirt. She moans with pleasure. "Oh, that's it."

Meanwhile, behind the scenes, Lorne is talking to Bobby Moynihan as they watch on a screen. "This is all wrong, Lorne! People are tuning in to see Scarlett Johannson the movie star. Someone has to go talk to her before she does any more harm to her image."

Lorne says, "you're right. We have to send someone to tell her how important appearance is to our show." He turns off-screen and the camera reveals Cecily Strong with similar hair and a similar prop-gut, halfway through a chocolate bar and face half-smeared with it. Lorne says "Cecily...um..." Aidy's walking by instead, and Lorne sends her.

So Aidy goes back out to the stage, where ScarJo is now sitting in a beanbag chair, smoking a cigarette with cotton balls between her toes. Aidy awkwardly tries to remind ScarJo of her responsibility to the show.

Backstage, Moynihan and Lorne talk some more. "This is worse than the time Alec Baldwin walked around all week in a thong. At least he looked his best on the actual day." They decide to check on the screen to see how things are going and--oops--Aidy Bryant has been sucked in, now in her own beanbag chair, disheveled hair, smoking a cigarette.

Backstage, Moynihan is distressed--until Lorne says "you know, Bobby? Let it go. We can't all look this good 100% of the time." He removes his white-hair wig to reveal...the exact same white hair. Cut back to ScarJo who starts the show.

Live Sketch:

"The Stand-In."

Scarlett Johansson (herself), stressed out over the rigors of Hollywood life, gets help from an agent (Killam) who recommends employing a stand-in (McKinnon) in her daily life. Because "all the big-time Hollywood actresses are doing it." The stand-in interviews Johansson to pick up her behaviors and habits, but when McKinnon recreates them, it's in a completely exaggerated/unsexy/McKinnonish way, much to Johansson's distress.

Johansson protests, "I don't really act like that!" A Guest Star (co-star from Avengers?) enters, and at first Johansson is relieved; except the Guest Star mistakes McKinnon's character for Johansson. The stand-in, pretending to be Johansson, goes to make drinks and the Guest Star, assuming Johansson is the double, bad-mouths Johansson "behind her back," not realizing it's actually to her face. When even the agent comes back in not knowing who's who, Johansson breaks down, tells them all off, and says that they can go ahead and finish her whole career without her.

The sketch ends with a headline: "Johansson Wins First Academy Award" with a picture of the McKinnon double.

/r/LiveFromNewYork Thread