Same.

With no close friends or family to speak of, I have nobody to really talk to about it. So I'm also going to vent here.

I don't hate being male or even feel like I get dysphoria like so many describe, would call myself neutral on it to be honest. Which makes me doubt myself and think "maybe it's just a fetish and nothing more."

I've spent 20+ years now trying to fight against the thought that I'm trans and am perfectly fine living life as male. That entire time the thought that female is who I am and want to be has been there, in the back of my mind eating away at me at a near constant basis.

I'm 7 months into transitioning now and the thought that I'm throwing away my future of being easily accepted for my selfish immediate needs now is pervasive. I'm unsure I have the willpower to continue with my transition to it's logical conclusion as I'm unlikely to ever reasonably pass in public and that matters to me. Feel like I just ultimately want to be biologically female, and being a trans-female isn't a solution to that so much as it is sticking a band-aid on a gushing wound. Perhaps that is an inappropriate way to think about it, but it is is what it is and I have to be realistic with things.

All that doubt out of the way... The months I've spent on HRT and transitioning have been some of my best in recent memory. Coming out as trans to the few friends and family I have has been liberating and I feel like myself more than I ever have before.