Holy shit, I need help. I just freaked out at my whole family... On Mother's Day. I feel like I'm falling apart. I just proved them all right about me, because I stuck up for myself about a situation in which I felt like I was being publicly berated again, and I got emotional. It turned into a situation in which ones breaking down and shaking, and saying how hard it was for me to trust getting too close because of what's happened in the past.
My mom has given a lot of apologies, but usually downplays things later, and remembers things differently, and then history repeats again. I yelled, and told everyone how sick I am of their shit. My sister and mom were mocking me, like "wah wah," get over it. And I told my mom I wanted to resolve things, but I needed her to truly apologize and understand. I said we could talk about it later, but she insisted immediately, so I said fine. I went to go to another room with her, and my sister followed screaming that I wasn't going to do that to my mom on Mother's Day. My mom looked angry and tearful. I assured her I didn't even want to rehash old shit right then, but wanted to take a moment to discuss my fears, and get a genuine response, and that was shot down.
My mom ended up going downstairs crying and saying she wanted to die as my siblings hugged her. I have spent all day fighting suicidal thoughts even before going over there. I have never freaked out this much. I don't know what the hell came over me. It just brought back so much old stuff, and I was worried about my daughter getting attached...
Now I'm the crazy one. My mom kept asking me to repeat the abuse I had a hard time getting over, but I refused, because my youngest siblings had never seen it. I only mentioned the way she had abandoned me the throughout my pregnancy, and how she kept dropping me emotionally after any minor thing, even after tons of apologies, to which she denied, and said she would never leave me homeless if she knew I had no place to go- which I guess is the same thing? She got livid when I brought up the emotional abuse- again, only things that have occurred over the past three years- not the sadistic stuff from years before that.
I actually did attempt at several points to apologize, said I was just scared that it would all happen again, and wanted to try to get some closure and reconcile- especially because she was crying. But she was only crying for herself. She said she wanted to die, but when I told her I held a loaded gun to my head today, she didn't even blink. All it was about was that I did this on MOTHERS DAY, which I know was shitty, but since it all came out after I was ganged up on the minute I walked through the door, I wanted some resolution to come of it. And never mind the fact I could never bring this up before without her flipping out and turning everyone against me, so I guess I held a lot of it in, figuring she just can't change, so why bother?
I wouldn't have been freaking out so much today, had I not been a nervous wreck about pressures to be there in the early afternoon, and the time kept changing, and I didn't get to do anything for myself with my family because I was too busy trying to calm myself down and do damage control for a shitty dollar store present my siblings put together for her. It was made clear that I had the morning with my family, and my mom wanted everyone around her today- after two years of me trying to redefine my role in Mother's Day, so I could enjoy it as a mom, and not grieve so much the mother I didn't have. And now everything has to be normal. And I'm a selfish person for not being all enthusiastic about that- but really, yeah, I became that shitty person because I caused a scene, and made my mother cry on Mother's Day. And now they all live near me, and I've confirmed all the shit that was said about me. And I feel so alone, and I don't know how to function, and I feel so confused and crazy and worthless. I'm in a really unstable place. I'm supposed to start EMDR next week, but I feel completely hopeless already. Please, can someone relate?