I'm about to turn 21 years old, I have a very different look on life than most people. I've gone through more than enough in life through family, being treated terribly, neglecting myself, and last year a car crash. I truly am sorry you have to deal with this. All my emotions are fake, I have to put effort into smiling, and it isnt real. I dont laugh at anything ever and it isnt by choice. I wish I could just laugh again with a friend or enjoy the weather on a nice day. I'm finally on my own now and have no stress or real bullshit to deal with besides work and school. I cant trust anyone after all the things that happened to me by family members. I really just wish I could experience something besides sadness and anger like I used to be able to do. I've wanted a motorcycle since I was a kid but I didnt realize how bad I really wanted it up until two years ago. I feel free when I ride, and it feels so natural. I should be able to buy a bike next spring considering my rent is so cheap and I make all of my meals. I still have $1500 or so in dental, and I just paid off $1300 that was stolen from me by a family member. The problem is riding is the only thing that makes me happy. I've waited long enough and I have decent enough credit to get a bike but that isnt how I want to do it. I just dont know how much longer I can wait. I plan on going to counseling here within the next few weeks, and maybe starting anti depressants but not if it destroys my chance of ever having emotions again. I recently started believing in god again as I need to believe in something to deal with this selfish world. I wish you and your family the best of luck, and welcome :)