Moving on from love: need perspective from the experienced

I used to wonder the same things. I'd look at people walking by me and think "How do people function every day, get up in the morning and continue to breathe when their heart has been ripped out of their body". What am I supposed to do with this love. It's so big and huge and now it's got no where to go? I considered the pain of the heartache because proof that my love was real and long lasting.

I've had a few heartbreaks and I've learned a few things over the years. Every relationship I've had starts off hopeful and optimistic. I've had butterflies in my stomach, racing thoughts and nervousness with every first kiss. I know the high of new love is temporary, and is a result of brain chemistry and hormones gone awry, and that it can't be maintained forever. Once the hormones settle down is when the true work of love begins. I've learned that love is a decision you make every day to stay and work at it. You choose to love and you choose to stay every single day. It's no longer brain chemistry, it's commitment.

Each relationship is unique in its own way. Each partner brings something new to the table. You learn new things, meet new people and act in ways you never imagined acting. You develop your own rhythm as a couple.

It's possible to love more than one person in a lifetime. Loving someone new doesn't take away any love from your past boyfriend. Love is big enough to grow. I remember looking at my first child and thinking, "It's not possible to love anyone else as much as I love her" and then when the second child happened I loved that second child every bit as strongly as the first. Loving a second partner after the first break up is the same way. There's always room in your heart for more.

I learned that the best way to gauge how a relationship was going was to look inside myself and ask if I like myself or not. By the time I split up with my first husband I hated myself. I was so angry. All I did was nag and argue and feel shitty, guilty and bitter about myself. My husband pulled all my ugliness out and brought out the worst in me. It was time to go.

In contrast to the relationship with my husband, my current relationship makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel loved and valued. His unconditional love gives me freedom to feel secure and supported. He brings out the better side of me and I like myself.

I never did learn how to let go of the people I loved in my past relationships. I continue to love them despite our breakup and the years since I've seen them. There are men that I've loved that I will go to my grave still loving. I accept that.

/r/relationships Thread