Ah shit. I wrote this and it just kept getting longer and more confused. Ignore it if you wish, just helped to type it out.
Also: I reread and it kinda makes my husband sound like a dick. I really don't think he is. He's likely a narcissist, and he was definitely raised by a narcissist father, and has only brothers, and they all seem to have some ridiculous need to be macho men. He definitely has "male pride" insecurity issues, which are hard on me, but we're working through them, I think. Just. Damn. The blowouts... and they're all soooo stupid. Anyway. See last paragraph!
Had another huge blowout last night. HUGE AND MASSIVE. Like you said earlier, I feel like I'm the logical one, and definitely the one who wants to keep calm and TALK through things, because 1) I have a massive fear of confrontation, and 2) I fucking hate being loud and emotional, and 3) when has yelling eeeever solved anything? But! the way he flips shit around, it leaves me in a state of confusion over whether I'm insane or irrational, or whatever. I have started to wonder if that when I actually make a good point and it hurts his feels or pride or whatever, thats when he gets SUPER ANGRY and yelley. I really really was making an effort last night to talk through something that bothered me, and holy shit did he explode on me. Then I got upset and started crying my eyes out, because I'm just so frustrated with the inability to talk through something, annnnd he was screaming terrible things at me, which got worse the more upset I got. Guys. He raises his voice from "talking" level, and gets intense, I cry, he starts yelling, calls me crazy and emotional for crying, which makes me cry more, which makes him even madder and louder. It's. So. Stupid. And for some reason, I am completely incapable of explaining to him that that is whats occurring for me. Ironically enough, the thing that bothered me that I was trying to talk over was I mentioned that it troubled me that he keeps "apologizing" for these fights by saying "I just get so mad and angry because I love you so much! It just makes me so emotional because I want you to see how much I love you!" I was attempting to explain that that is not exactly healthy (am I right in that? Because I honestly don't know anymore). He took something out of my issue with this and it made him explode, and I still don't quite understand what it was that set him off so ridiculously bad. That was the maddest he's ever gotten at me. He's previously told me during an argument that he's not "in love" with me anymore, but that he still "loves" me, and gets really pissed off if I bring up that he said that, but don't specifically use the word "'in' love". I don't know guys. I'm so confused. Everything is a mess and he was so mean to me last night!
I love the man so much, and 95% of the time everything is perfect and blissful, and so, so happy, but shit... that 5%... I thought it might actually be over last night, just because of that 5%. It seems so dumb, because I am so in love with him and our life together. He's a really good guy, there's just some issues there... I don't know. This is poorly organized, but my heads a wreck. Don't have any friends to talk to about it, so thank you for being a sympathetic ear :)