I moved across the country four months ago. I broke up with my ex two months ago and blamed him for the break up. In actuality, it was because another man came along and gave me attention in ways that my boyfriend at the time couldn't due to the distance. My declining attraction and perception of my ex directly correlated with my growing attraction and perception of this new man. I tried to convince myself and others it was his fault, to make me seem like less of a selfish asshole. I wasn't consciously aware of my actual motivations for breaking up until this week.

I felt that New Guy isn't spending enough time together with me as I'd like. I began to develop an obsessive crush on my coworker. I've had crushes on people when I was with my ex, but this was another level. After New Guy left for the weekend, I downloaded bumble, rationalizing why it was okay the entire time. I almost accepted a date before I realized what I was doing. Then I realized what I had ALREADY done and WHY I was doing it.

I had no idea I was capable of being so callous, so undeniably terrible. I was so cold breaking up with my ex, blaming him for my leaving. I was willing to do it all again with another guy until my desires were met.

Realizing how abnormal my behavior, thoughts, and motivations were/are, I deleted bumble and set up an appointment with a psychiatrist this morning. I still have a month until I can see them, but I think I have a hunch on what's​ up.

I... Yeah. I'm still so shocked/mortified at myself. I've done some selfish things, but such blatant​ disregard for others' feelings is a new low for me.