(MtF) Mental effects of stopping estrogen?

I am currently treating my depression/anxiety. I am on paroxetine but only on like day 5 of it and it takes at least three weeks to feel something, its actually been making me feel worse but that's what it's supposed to do at first right? I'll probably reassess my situation then but it's so hard to picture what "feeling better" will be like. Everything is so existential to me. It's bad. I can't enjoy any activity without thinking of all the existential aspects of it.

I've been on hormones for about a year but have never socially transitioned because I'm unpassable. Dressing femme also just really isn't my style, it makes me look worse in my opinion. I don't feel like I fit in with men or women or even the trans community. I just feel extremely conflicted because for the most part I love everything estrogen has done to make me more androgynous and attractive (as a guy) but my main driving factor in detransitioning is the whole chest aspect and I don't know what to do about it. I'm very skinny so I am paranoid about my breasts growing any further and freaking out those around me because I am obviously not female and they just wouldn't look right on me for how I present myself. Right now they are manageable since I've started using these nipple cover bandages that I found on amazon. I'm just so paranoid about more breast growth and making me look like this half gendered freak since I'm not 'cis passing' at all and will probably always present male. I just have a lot of internalized transphobia and don't ever want to be perceived as "trans". My whole situation sounds RIDICULOUS I know. Like I don't even think I'm really trans but at the same time I feel like I am because I'd give anything to have been born a cis female. I've essentially just been using hormones to make myself more attractive as a male which is just stupid and irresponsible.

/r/detrans Thread Parent