It was an accumulation of things, ultimately growing up and going to school set it all in motion.
Being a woman, Islam presents many internal conflicts that I found went beyond spiritual doubt (something the teacher at the mosque would say is "allah blinds unbelievers, so they think they are right when they are not"). There are things about the religion and its history that offended me on this strange level, why were women raped and pillaged in war? why would the prophet allow marrying multiple young girls as a means of "protecting them during war" (and do it himself, she was 9) rather than preaching some kind of equality and peace that was clearly lost. I researched pre-islamic arabia (what is called by many muslims as "the period of ignorance") and discovered it was very matriarchal compared to the time of islam. Why was this ignorance? I could never get a straight answer, because there was no monolithic god to reign over all of man? And if you look at islam you see how men are above women in so many ways.
What the Quran says is debated heavily even though muslims like to say otherwise, but if you don't know arabic (i dont) you wont have the "true" meaning of the Quran. And if you reference the bullshit within its pages you are accused of taking it out of context. But in what context is stoning women okay? In what context is it okay for the word of three women to be equal to that of a man? Why is modesty so fetisized by muslim men? Having class is one thing, but being restricted to particular garments is another.
The issues with women in islam pushed me to look at how islam treated people in general and how GOD treated people. the religion is a set of culturally obsolete and primitive rules, but the god is even worse. If there was an all knowing and loving god why would it offend him if I prayed while on my period? Why does allah think blood is disgusting when he gave it to us, it is life juice. If anything I'd be compelled to thank god for giving me blood during my period because that mean I have blood and have a reproductive system that god apparently constructed with divine knowledge. The general attitude towards women put me off severely but worse was hearing my dad defend them and saying women weren't all there in the head and are flawed and weaker than men and that it is natural order.
The worse was when he tried defending the hijab (although never made me wear it) he would say the "male gaze" prevents women from being seen as equals. So..the solution to this is to completely disgender women by hiding feminine features such as hair, the neck, the waist, the hips, legs etc. This never made sense. Why is it my problem to solve, why aren't men taught how not to have a "male gaze"? Why am I at fault for their eyes and dicks? If I think haram thoughts about premarital sex for example, I am bad. But if a man think haram thoughts about me, I am also bad again.
I love and adore the middle eastern culture and history, I have been to Lebanon before and am planning a trip to Iran soon. My family and friends there (my generation 25 and younger) are mostly secular, educated, and enlightened people and some are deeply spiritual but none of them can believe the prophet stories in the Quran considering the same myths and legends were told by several other civilizations around the world before abrahamic religions.
Islam offers nothing to this world. It may have been helpful to the past world (in terms of the preservation of knowledge and books and study of math and science) but socially speaking I hesitate to say it provided anything positive then.
I was up all night one day thinking about all kinds of new things now that this cloud from my childhood was gone. Thinking about space, evolution, gender equality, homosexuality (I used to not like gay people because I was told they were disgusting), I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking my myself..It was a beautiful day.
Sorry that was so long. Sadly my dad cannot know I left islam or else he will believe he is going to hell for failing to set me on the right path. and although I disagree with him on many things, I love him and I don't want him to fear hell like I used to. I'd rather humour him mildly so he has peace of mind going into old age.