Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my post, and for caring!
Man, these are such hard questions...I am about to reveal some quite dark sides of my nature by answering them. Anyway, I believe in the benefits of pouring out. Just be gentle...it could be horrifying.
What are your social environments, if any, besides school?
No other at all. I never went outside much, for my whole life. Always spent the time watching TV, playing games...doing what your average recluse would.
Just in the case you might wonder, the settings here are not the same as in the US or Canada. There isn't a strong club culture, where you partake in activities with people, amongst other differences.
What do you think drove your old friends away, and what is keeping you from making new ones? Like, in a very specific sense... Is it not knowing how to carry on conversations, feeling a distance between yourself and them, lack of vulnerability on one or both sides, something else entirely?
I never had many friends, since my earliest days. I am shy, introvert, you know, all that, so I never managed to make many friends. The closest I ever got to friends was during high school, where I got along well with people such as Kyle, Kurt and Brian (let's call them so). Kyle was particularly a nice guy: ethic, Christian, good upbringing, who even shared a few interests with me. Kurt seemed to like me too, and Brian was no exception.
But I was a latecomer, and Kyle had been longtime friends with Anne. I didn't particularly like Anne. Apart from a bad experience with her in group work, she came up everytime I was having a good conversation (which I rarely got) with Kyle. Maybe she was afraid of losing his attention.
One day, however, I got fed at it and stop talking, altogether, to...Kyle. Yes, crazy enough, I started treating Kyle quite coldly, and for the poor guy's confusion, without him ever having done anything bad to me. I ended up drifting from Brian, as he was part of the same group as Anne and Kyle. With all this mess, amazingly Kurt still invited me to his home on occasion, to watch some programs he liked. The guy must have really liked me, as he was even dating Anne at the time (I never showed my dislike of Anne, somehow ended up directing it to the wrong person by idiocy of mine).
This all happened mostly during my last year of high school. I left friendless.
Now, when it comes to making friends. I am not skilled at talking to people. I have high levels of social anxiety, and striking conversations is a big no.
It all mostly involves what you mentioned: I can't carry conversations, and lack of vulnerability is quite a thing too (I am really, very cautious about revealing personal information to anyone). I should also mention that my aim is to get male friends, and things then get even harder. It is not so socially acceptable (I believe not only here, but also in most of the West) for guys to approach other guys just for chatting. I am very afraid of being labeled gay, needy, and stuff...
But brace up, because there is indeed something else entirely, which I have noticed by observing certain patterns of mine.
Another thing which hinders me from talking to people (you might be shocked by now for what levels of idiocy a person can get, but there comes more): I want to put up an appearance of not being from here. I have read a lot on how people from developed countries behave, and very often I try to imitate their behaviour, wanting people to think how different I am from people of this country (thinking I act like a Nordic or Anglo-Saxon), showing my disgust for it and also attacking them indirectly by doing that. As you might know, most successful nations are composed of reserved, cold people, who don't strike up conversations with strangers and take time to developed relationships. You can guess the scenario...
And when you're trying to make friends (and you need to be 100% honest with yourself on this one), what's your actual motivation for making them?
"And you need to be 100% honest with yourself on this one"...well, I think it has to do with my neediness. I have read a lot of the toll loneliness can have on the human body, and I have had my share of it. I want to have friends to share interests with, spend time watching movies, playing games, going out. I feel like I am missing out on much fun by not doing these things, and it's all time I will never have back.
I am a person full of flaws and mistakes. I have had lots of missteps with gay porn, I can be very envious and jealous of others' success, I can grumble a lot with things don't go as I want...summing up, I have got a quite rotten inside. Definitely I must be fixed.