My [20s F] Dad [50s M] has been married to an emotionally abusive woman for the last 15 years and I've lost all respect and desire to talk to him

Story time!

Ok, I am just going to go on and say this, I don't respect my mom. I really, really don't. For a long, long time, I could not understand why we never get along. She is the perfect victim, and one who basks in her victimhood. She has no motivation, is probably depressed and will not seek help, but would guilt anyone into feeling sorry for her. She is a weak willed, simple minded woman who thinks very highly of herself. She enjoys the title of a mother, but does not really like the responsibility that comes with it and would gladly shove of the responsibility of raising her kids to pretty much anyone when it inconveniences her. On the flip side, she would demand to be respected as a mother as if she has any sort of entitlement in our lives. I could go on and on and on about her but for a long time, I felt like I really, really despised her. I felt guilty about it and even hated myself for it. One day when we were having one of our many heated arguments, she said something that finally clicked. It dawned on me that she really does not have all that much respect for herself.

I left and went to contemplate on that for a while and it became clear to me that no one respects her. Not my aunts, uncles or her friends. They all pity her, some even find her pathetic, but no one really respects her. That is the vibe that she pretty much has, one that screams, "look at me, I am not worthy of respect," and everybody else pretty much respond to this vibe.

For me, the most difficult part to grapple with was what that meant for me personally. If this is the woman who birthed me, if this is the woman who half raised me (she was not really much of a mother), if this is the woman who gave me part of my DNA, what does that say about me? That was my biggest struggle and I suspect it is also yours.

As you said, it is your father who has to stand up for himself, yet you are here asking for advice on something that you already know the answer too. I could be wrong, but if you are struggling with the same issue as I was, with the realization that you could also end up as your father, then I am here to tell you that we are not our parents. You want your father to be strong so that you can be proud of him, so that you can draw strength from him, so that you can be assured of the fact that the same strength that is in him is also in you, much like I wanted my mother to be strong. You want to see in him a source of inspiration because if the same inspiration is in him, then it must be in you. But there is a weakness about him, a lack of self-respect and if the same weakness and lack of self-respect is in him, then it could be that some of it has brushed off on you.

I have come to terms with the fact that my mother is who she is and her journey is her journey. There are periods here and here where I feel a swell of anger at who she is and at how little effort she is making at improving her life and how she enjoys being a victim and the attention that comes with being a victim. I also do see some aspects of that in myself and I get angry at her, but at the end of the day, I am in control of myself. I am in control of my life. I am in control of my decisions. I am responsible for my life. If she has taught me anything, then she has taught me what NOT to become, who NOT to be, how NOT to think, how NOT to act. She has not been much of an inspiration, in fact, she is not at all inspiring, but I also do not have to become her. I am not her. I am not bound to make the same mistakes that she made. If anything, I am all the wiser for all the things that she has taught me through negative demonstration. I am not saying that it has beem a breeze because self-respect is the one the most difficult qualities that I have had to cultivate, but it can be done.

We are not our parents, we are our own people and can chose which direction our lives will take.

/r/relationships Thread