I'm having the same issue in my relationship. We fight waaay more than we should. She finally admitted today that she knows that she escalates every issue we have and a lot of times it's because I dont "understand". From my side I do understand what she's saying but I don't necessarily agree with her. She seems to want me to always agree with her and when I don't, I'm invalidating her feelings.

Lately I've been thinking though, we always get hung up on the "why". Why this is an issue, she wants me to understand. We have almost no conflict resolution and a lot of it is because of this. We can never shift to the "what". What is it thats bothered her and what are we going to do moving forward. The few times I've been able to actually shift our fight towards this, we resolve the issue very quickly. I know that at least for me, when she's done something that's bothered me, I dont care that she understands why I'm feeling this way. All that's truly important in that moment is she knows what it is that's bothered me, what I would like to see moving forward, and if she's willing to do that.

Just a thought I wanted to sure since I feel my relationship is very similar.