Hi. Im a first time poster here on mobile.

What you've described is what seems to me a typical abuse story that you hear, however watching my mother be repeatedly raped snd beaten by my step dad for years was horrifying.

She had seven children, no where to go and like you she had very awful relationships and felt she wouldn't ever get better until she met my father( they had an affair and later on after she finally found the confidence she left my step father, pressed charges twice, one for beating her until she had 6 broken bones and once for trying to run us off the road)

Is that what you want if you happen to fall pregnant? I assure you what he is showing you is not love, it's manipulation hidden in the form of a man who you once knew. He clearly does not respect your needs or wants, which now you're living in fear 'i didn't want the anger directly at me, even something minor he punishes me'.

That is not love, that is as you say sadistic and a way of controlling you, you said he sometimes is laid back and Everythings wonderful? Correct?. That is what they call honey moon periods where the abuser starts to lure you back in with sweet, kind behaviour.

As for the pity and drugs, ir seems you're pity stems from you not wanting to be alone, perhaps thats why you dont want him to be alone either?, but there is no helping an addict until they are ready to stop.

You seem to be walking on eggshells, do you feel confident in perhaps giving him an ultimatum? 'Hey we've talked about you being gentle during sex before, what you do makes me very uncomfortable and sore, I feel used and hurt and also on edge because I never know if you'll get rough. So here's the deal, please try to be more gentle otherwise I will not be having sex with you'

Op, I beg of you to reach out to women crisis teams or even go through your local doctor if you want to be discrete, reach out to your family or friends if you can and able.

Let somebody know you dont feel safe, I'd suggest perhaps in the future going to a CBT therapist, there is lots of information online regarding it. They are also confidential perhaps they can work on you getting your self worth back so you may get confident and find the true you, you so desperately need, think about it would you be okay if a young teenage girl confidied in you that her boyfriend was like that?

Would you tell her to stay for love she may never get?. I'd hope not.

You're vunerable and once upon a time you were a young girl who dreamed of better than this.

Please tell somebody or download some apps that are used for domestic situations, they're cleverly disguised as news apps and such.

You can't live this way, you're stronger than this and you deserve better.

Please contact me if necessary. I hope I haven't offended or hurt you.