I have BPD, partial PTSD, and depression. I truly feel for you, I can relate to having those breakdowns where you lose control of your mind and body and you are completely inconsolable. I was too hard to love when I was younger and I didn’t understand or know about what was wrong with me (I knew something was up, I was raped as a kid and experienced severe bullying, lot of religious trauma with the rape). I have been in a relationship with the love of my life for a year and a half now. It is 100% okay to go to your partner with your mental health, a good partner will be there for you and support you. It is not okay to “emotionally dump” On them, it can be incredibly stressful and frustrating for them, especially if they have not experienced mental illness. They cannot understand and it isn’t their responsibility to, we have to learn where the line is. I understand you don’t choose to have these breakdowns, I didn’t either. To make my relationship work, I first took a break from dating before I met him to work on myself. I needed to feel comparable being alone, and I needed to learn how to take care of myself. This meant emotionally, too. I am in DBT in therapy, it is incredibly helpful and EDMR is really great for PTSD in my experience, I no longer have flashbacks and I sleep well, I only have minor symptoms now. I work every day to be the woman he deserves, and some days I’m not perfect, but we communicate well and always come out better than before. You will not have a successful relationship until you go to therapy and take a break from dating. I dated terrible men serially up until I did, when you better yourself you will find better men. Ask yourself, would you want to date you? Would you be happy dating you? We are not doomed to be the person we woke up as today, I have come a long way and I know you can too. You have to fight like hell and it’s not easy, but it is so worth it and you deserve it.

You also deserve a man who can be vulnerable and sensitive, otherwise he’s just a boy. Good riddance to your ex, he sounds awful. A truly bad person, I felt rage reading that because it reminded me of my ex. He told me that I reminded him of his mother (she was extremely mentally ill and abused him for years, made him parent his disabled sister and hold her while she was seizing while mom shot up. Had to pick a lock to get to her as she bled out in the tub. From 13-20 I watched him grieve and rage over her. Also told me he wasn’t attracted to me and he wished I’d gain weight knowing I had anorexia. I lost it. Started hitting the gym after we broke up as a “fuck you”, fully recovered, met the love of my life there. We are both amateur body builders now! We can find love and are just as deserving of it as everyone else)