I've gotta tell you, your husband's family sounds like mine. The family attitude is "family is family, and we're your family and anyone else is an outsider, including your life partner". To be part of this family, your first (and maybe only) place in life is as part of the family. You don't get to be your own person first, and part of the family second. You are part of this family and that had better be the number one priority your entire life. If not, you're basically rejecting the family outright.

Unlike your husband, I have been fighting this attitude and pushing to establish myself as my own person, who can make my own choices in life. I will be part of the family if possible, but that will be secondary to me being my own person and making decisions based on what I want for myself and not what they will approve of.

It's fucking hard. Realising that your beloved family is actually toxic as fuck, and then trying to establish yourself as your own person after they've raised you not to be, and continue to fight you about it. It's difficult as fuck and it's almost guaranteed to lead to estrangement in the end (I'm on the verge of that now), which sucks because I do love them, but they just don't seem capable of accepting that they shouldn't actually be my #1 priority in life, and managing them is causing me too much stress.

I'm telling you this, because I want you to understand before I give you my advice, that I completely understand your husband. I've been him. I've felt that unending obligation to put my parents' happiness approval over everything else in my life. I also know how difficult it's going to be for him to even understand that his situation is abnormal, never mind change it.

My advice to you, is leave him. He's neglected you for too long. Give him an ultimatum first if you really want to give him that last chance - perhaps show him /r/raisedbynarcissists, he may recognise his own experiences there and start to realise his situation is toxic. But if he sincerely doesn't see anything wrong with his family dynamic (and it sounds like he is perfectly content in his current place contributing to it), there's little you can do besides tolerate it or leave, and frankly it does not sound tolerable.