Someone already mentioned the DBT workbook, which I am seconding. Get the teacher’s manual as well if you can as it provide answers, examples, context and connections. DBT therapy is the gold standard for BPD.

Studying with him and learning DBT skills together can help so you have a common language and toolkit. In general, I would say DBT programs teach a lot of things, not just discrete skills but greater self-awareness overall. CBT can sometimes make BPD worse.

Secondly, something I wish I knew at the beginning of my treatment is that BPD is treatable and with the right support it can even go into remission. Personalities are malleable. If he learns new survival, emotion regulation, interpersonal and coping mechanisms to replace the maladaptive ones he uses now, he can effectively be rid of BPD altogether. I’ve heard it characterized as being like having diabetes, something to just manage once it gets under control.

Third, some small lifestyle changes (called ”PLEASE“ in DBT) you could do together or support him with can make a big difference!

1. Healthy body, healthy mind. Often when we are upset it’s compounded by lack of sleep, poor diet and being sedentary. I’ve known some people with BPD who walk for 20 min in the morning and again at night, others who lift weights every day. Even 10 min of stretching in the morning and again before bed can make a world of difference! It regulates one’s mood and is a nice way to be fully in the world instead of in one’s head.
2. If he doesn’t already, put together a firm daily/weekly schedule. Staying busy is key and consistency is as well. Staying busy keeps us from ruminating or obsessing over negative thoughts and feelings.
3. Eat well, sleep, drink water. Again, not taking care of oneself can make one more vulnerable to rumination, anger, sadness and anxiety.
4. Journaling. BPD includes an overall lack of awareness. People with BPD have trouble even knowing what we’re feeling or what emotions we’re experiencing in the moment. Writing for 10 minutes a day can help sort these things out so we are more self-aware throughout the day and ideally less reactive. Plus it’s a calming activity generally.

As for emotional outbursts, I’ve found that when my boyfriend and I argue, if we orient our bodies toward each other and hold hands it’s hard for me to stay angry. Rather than my usual escalation, I am able to see him as my loved one and less “splitting” occurs.

Finally, you sound like such a loving, supportive partner. He is so fortunate to have you.