Here we go, I knew it was coming. I didn't say it was okay. I clearly said it was not okay. I did say it was technically rape, but because OP said she did not rape him then I took his version of events and tailored my advice to that.

You're absolutely right though, if it was an entirely different scenario like you described, then yes I would say that's rape. The guy said she didn't rape him, we don't get to say, "STFU she raped you." Also the guy is here for advice.

That's rape.

Is not advice. That's defining the situation for OP. He's here trying to figure out how to navigate his marriage, not the legal system. So I gave him advice based on that. In his position, knowing my wife, if I woke up to her having sex with me after saying no I'd say "Seriously? Not cool babe chill out." Then go back to sleep. It wouldn't be a traumatic, pearl-clutching event. I'd talk to her in the morning and set clear boundaries. If another woman did it to me, then yes I'd feel raped.

Again like I originally said I know it's technically rape, but OP doesn't feel like it's rape, I wouldn't feel raped, other people might feel raped, so in their position yes it's rape.

Before I hear "Are you saying a spouse can't rape their spouse?!" I'm not. They can. The world isn't always black and white. Situations are different for different people.