My (27M) Girlfriend (29F) of over 8 years has been cheating almost a year.

I want to be with her but I don't know if I can.

So sorry you are in this situation. Understand your heartbreak and that you are now going to be on a roller coaster of emotions that your gf put you on. The pain will take time to go away and depends somewhat on your gf's behavior from here on out and whether you decide to end or reconcile the relationship.

Do not beat yourself up about investigating to find the truth about what was/is going on with your gf (a girl you invested time, energy, and considered worthy of marriage.) You had a gut feeling, so you followed up on it. Always trust your gut. Also better to find out now, before marriage, mortgage, and kids your gf/wife is capable of such betrayal.

The easy thing to do at this point is break up with this disloyal, disrespectful woman, who so effortlessly betrayed your trust and love. However,

Here is my standard post on dealing with infidelity and attempting to reconcile.

If you decide that you can reconcile with your gf over her betrayal, you need to enforce some real consequences for her betrayal. Rig sweeping this affair will only leave a large lump in the middle of the rug (your relationship) that you will constantly trip over. Below is how to MAYBE reconcile the relationship. It is a tough road and may still lead to break up, but if you see any value left in your gf, then nothing wrong with attempting.

The key will be her behavior. Will she be willing to do the hard work necessary to rebuild the relationship. You will not be able to go back to where you thought you were. That is gone as she threw it away by cheating on you, so you would have to build something new, if possible.

Anyway...

  • Full disclosure, she tells you everything about the affair, who he was, is he married, where he lives, where he works, what they did, how did it start, what kept it going, why she found his company more than yours, etc, etc, whatever you need to know and understand about her behavior. If you are going to try and forgive, you need to know what you are forgiving.

  • Complete transparency, you have 24/7 access to all her communications; phone, computer, social media. You know all passcodes/passwords and are informed if they are ever changed.

  • No contact, she blocks his number, email, social media, whatever they used to communicate. A letter is written by her, approved by you, and jointly sent to the POSOM informing him the affair is over, it was wrong, and to never contact her again. Any attempts by him to contact her is to be ignored and reported to you immediately. Any attempts by her to contact him results in you filing for divorce.

  • Exposure, family and friends are informed of her infidelity. You will need all the support you can get. Fuck her if she may be ashamed by her behavior, or her "reputation" is ruined, she should be and it was her that ruined it by cheating. Since the POSOM has a wife, exposure to her is essential for she needs know what a piece of shit she has for a husband/bf and while he has to deal with the shit storm he created in his own house, he should be too busy to chase after your gf.

  • If he is a co-worker, she needs quit that job immediately.

  • No more girls nights out, she is accountable for her whereabouts at all times. Find my phone app is never turned off. This can be lessened as time goes on and she demonstrates her trustworthiness.

  • Marriage counseling with a counselor specializing in PTSD and infidelity.

  • Consult a lawyer and have separation/divorce papers drawn up heavily favoring you and ready for her signature. Divorce process can be started (and should be) and ended at any time if she is truly remorseful and does the heavy lifting required to repair the damage she has caused.

  • Remorse, she needs to exhibit true remorse through her actions, not just her words as they have little value right now. Check out the chump lady for what real vs imitation remorse looks like to see if your gf really understands what she has done and what she needs to do. Her remorse is the key to reconciliation.

  • Blame shifting, She accepts and owns her failings as a gf to you. Her decision to have an affair a is all on her. None of that is your fault, so do not accept any blame for her betrayal. Her saying you went out with friends for a while after graduation is pure bullshit and no reason for her to start an affair.

  • There is no negotiation on these items/actions.conditions. If she wants to repair the relationship and rebuild trust for you to consider staying with her, then she has to actively work to do so. These are tried and true steps to have any chance at a successful reconciliation.

    Any hesitation/dismissal/refusal on her part is a sure sign of no remorse, without remorse, reconciliation with be a complete waste of time.

Good luck you are going to need it with this serial cheater.

Other resources you may find helpful are Talk About Marriage - Coping with Infidelity and the Married Man Sex Life forums. Also suggest reading no more mr nice guy by dr robert glover and not just friends by dr shirley glass.

ps, I did not read any of the responses you received.

/r/relationships Thread