My [28F] Husband [28M] won’t get me gifts unless I ask for them.

I am like you. My boyfriend (first and only. I have a chronic illness and feel stuck with him, I know he makes me feel like shit. but he also gives me the only happiness I have in my life. I have tried to move out several times, and failed each time, because my only option is my family's house or being homeless which I literally can't manage due to my illness)

my boyfriend never gave me gifts, I loved giving him gifts so much, and I never expected anything back, but after a while with absolutely no reciprocation (not even a letter...or -something-, I have hinted several times (and then blatantly stated in one of our many fights - the fights came after the discussions that never led anywhere, I was very open with him because I am a bit sensitive and try to inform him of everything...)...that I've never gotten flowers in my life and even though it's corny I fantasize about is haha. I even said, just a flower, one flower, off the side of the road or something (I didn't say it as desperately as this though, to maintain dignity) - so he knows all of this clearly

we nearly broke up six months ago (maybe, I'm too tired and it's 3 am, I can't do math right now), when he didn't get me anything or do anything, at all, for my birthday (when we had talked about this issue several times before). His excuse for everything is 'it doesn't even occur to me' (which apparently he doesn't realize is hurtful in itself). we got into a huge fight, and I cried so much. all I want is a little bit of effort, I know I will never find someone who puts as much thought into me and my interests as I do..when there is a person I love, I want to share everything with them, I want to give them everything, I want to be happy, I want to be giving in every way..emotionally, physically (yes, this same behavior translates to our sex life. we our in our 20s and never have sex, because he doesn't want to. I used to give him a lot of blowjobs but he would never reciprocate)

I made a comment, a few months ago on an LPT gift giving thread (about writing things down that your partner likes or something, to give as gifts), about how...it is just natural for me, to want to do things for him, to be excited about remembering what he likes (okay, he really loved this small coin he got in a kind of deluxe videogame thing he bought a long time ago, but he lost it and was just mentioning it randomly one day and I noted it... thinking it was the perfect thing. so I searched on the internet and found him one on ebay. he was so surprised and happy and he still has that coin.

I know something like that..would never happen with him. I know even an impulsive buy for me, even like...a cupcake or something is impossible for him (I got him delicious fancy chocolate cupcakes for his birthday every year that he loves...he does nothing) it is really hurtful to realize, he can't even muster enough energy to give a fuck about what I care about. even if it would take three dollars, even if it were free. even if he knows how much it would mean to me I guess. this kills me every day if I think about it too much, it crushes me.

I know I need to break up with him. I don't know. I am in a really really bad position right now, emotionally, physically, financially, mentally (I'm unstable), and I have never been through a break up before. and I spent my entire life alone before him, desperate not to be alone. I don't want to go back to that. I know I shouldn't complain here but it's late and I'm sleep deprived and drugged again on reddit, this always happens. The only time I ever comment is when I'm drugged, but nowadays I'm drugged a lot.

anyway, I had my boyfriend take the online love languages test with me (after that birthday near breakup..I was finally like: OKAY I'm going to fucking spell it out for you. my main love language was gifts (not material gifts specifically, everyone always assumes this, just little acts...notes, trinkets, flowers etc.), his main love language was touch and acts of service (to be honest, I catered to every possible love language he could have had at the time. I was an overly enthusiastic partner. maybe because I'm naive and it's my first relationship. he was really receptive, he always acts that way in the moment, during the discussion, after the fight, in the resolution... he acts really nice, he is apologetic when it comes up. he is not abusive or unkind to me (except in fights, which are rare, they are always my fault, after I break down after all these horrible feelings about everything builds up. he can avoid issues forever, I have tried to get him to initiate discussion about anything meaningful but he won't. all we talk about is movies and books and reddit, we have similar tastes and he is intelligent and we can't talk about so many things, and I love that. but our relationship is a joke. he is fucked up, he is depressed. he can't love me. I know he loves me enough to do the most important things, he has taken me to the hospital, to doctors appointments, to therapy appointments to psychiatry appointments (he drives me a lot. but his car broke down. and he has aquistiioned my car. it has been broken and shutting off randomly. he has not helped me fix it even though I asked him to. he borrows money from me all the time. now I'm in debt, trying to keep him out of debt because I'm an idiot. it feels like it's just the tax to be with him, it's what I have to pay for kind of being an idiot and betraying myself. though I know physically and mentally, I can't handle what everyone thinks I can from the outside. I have no friends (not voluntarily. I really really want friends, he has no friends (but he believes that's just a part of him, he hates everyone. except me apparently) he would sit with me all night. before we lived together, he would come over at 4 a.m 5 a.m after I call him sobbing on the phone because I can't sleep (my chronic illness...if I can't sleep, my body wracks me with pain, which makes me not sleep more, which sends me into an anxiety spiral, often how I get into the hospital is days of not sleeping due to this spiral. the pain is too much to bear). He takes care of me in his own ways. If people saw...how loving he can be

well, frankly it's confusing. I never imagined being in a relationship like this, or meeting someone and being with someone and loving someone like this. he is very very sweet to me 99% of the time, yet he cannot manage to do these simple things to make our relationship more fulfilling, for both of us I think (if he was just giving a little bit at all, I think our sex life would still be alive, I think I would be way less stressed out, because I would feel more reassured...that he cares I guess. he doesn't think he should have to be reassuring, that he does a lot for me already. I know he does...if I bring any of this up. he says it's unfair. that I don't see everything he does for me. but I do, and I know he has done more for me than most would in this kind of situation. (a crazy situation)

I feel like every relationship is so complex. before I was in a relationship, I agreed with most /r/relationships comments (I have been browsing reddit for far too many years, and far too often), now I feel like...there's so much going on, even just in the dynamics, that cannot be conveyed over text...it's difficult to give adequate advice to anyone. I know my boyfriend is kind of an asshole, but honestly, it just feels like...his depression makes him an asshole. And I feel so much compassion for that, because I deal with so much of my own shit. We're both fucked up together.

But oh god, what I would do...to feel wanted, to feel thought about...even if the gesture is small.

Sorry for the misery :/

/r/relationships Thread Parent