I feel for you so much. I'm an adult student at Wellesley. I live in Cambridge. My husband of 8 years is a developer at YouTube. We've never had to do the remote commuting thing — he's always been able to work in Kendall Square — but I know a lot of couples who do. Ultimately, changing a marriage into a long-distance relationship requires a very different attitude, and that's what you're doing here, after all. In a marriage, you can take things a bit for granted, and it'll probably work out — in a long-distance relationship, you have to double down on empathy and communication. You seem to get that you need a lot of communication, but you're worried about seeming like a nagging bitch that doesn't understand that he's got a demanding job. He hasn't made that transition to understanding this. Money can be very weird in the tech world. There is a huge subset of men my husband's and your husband's age (they're both 31) who are basically spending $200K annual salaries on toys — one guy is restoring a DeLorean, a number are private pilots, so on and so forth. To these guys, losing $3,000 at anything doesn't really matter. But when you're supporting a family in the Boston area or, worse, in the Bay Area, the free-floating spending of your coworkers is completely impossible. We're rearing two teenaged girls in Cambridge — it ain't cheap. Your husband is maintaining two separate households — it definitely ain't cheap, but he can forget for long periods of time that he's married and has responsibilities, since he's working like a lot of them do — showing up in the office sometime around 9.30, leaving the offices sometime around 11.30. At night. Home is a place to crash, maybe play a game or two, pass out, lather, rinse, repeat. Regardless, a monthly commute for a weekend is mandatory. There is no damned way he has the money for gambling and not the $350 it takes for BOS → SFO. It's not like there's a paucity of flights available. It's not the single life that appeals here. It's the irresponsible life. To his eyes, when you call, you call with problems. You call with responsibilities. Tax forms that need two signatures. Asking to take money out of savings to cover a major repair. Logistical stuff. My own 17-year-old daughter cottoned on as soon as we were reading the benefits list my husband got when hired by Google last year, "They don't want them to ever go home from work." I told her that there were a lot of 25-year-olds with master's degrees from Stanford and Caltech that didn't understand that — they thought it was kickass that there was free laundry pickup and a health clinic on site in case they had strep throat. Now, Apple's culture is a bit different from Google's, not entirely so, but I can tell you what I've observed of Google's Cambridge site, although I haven't been to Mountain View. Everything is dealt with. Want coffee? There's an espresso bar, similar to Starbucks, one floor down, free of charge. Hardware problems? Policy is to have a working replacement to you in one hour. Want to get a beer with your coworkers? While drinking on Mad Men levels doesn't happen in the office, they provide free beer at company get-togethers on Thursday evenings. Gym is in the office. Three free meals a day, and well-loaded snack bars. Lecturers. Transit passes. It's all taken care of by them, your involvement is minimal. The gigantic tech companies of today are not unlike the giant defense contractors my father worked at — they're incredibly dedicated to simplifying as much as possible of your lives, so you don't have divided attentions at work. When I visited Google in Cambridge for the first time, I quoted Alexander Woolcott and said, "You know, it really shows you what God could do if he had the money." Other people's work and home lives are nothing like this. You routinely leave the office to take a couple of hours to deal with a contractor on your house. People are commuting in from remote suburbs. The ability to decide to have a group of 8 get together for dinner at a 3-star restaurant cannot be decided in a 10-minute deal. He is living in a very bizarre reality where $3,000 is no longer a lot of money. You're a teacher with emotionally disturbed children — $3,000 is a month's salary. There are a lot of therapists, both in Boston and San Jose, that will teleconference therapy with you. I suggest finding one. The fact that you're struggling financially while he's developing a gambling problem is a huge issue. The fact that you don't want to move to California is a huge issue. The fact that you liked your life and don't want to live the Silicon Valley free-spending Gilded Age lifestyle is a huge issue. Regardless, if you're not going to divorce him — and I see nothing here that's divorce territory, just "grow the fuck up and realize you're still married and you still have responsibilities" territory — you have to make plans to reunite. Apple's team in Kendall Square at One Broadway is really small, so it's unlikely he can transfer back. Now, I understand that you love your job, but you must have understood when he decided to interview in California that you would be leaving it if he got a position. (I mean, other than the often-standard tech world statement of, "Experienced engineer seeks interview for position of greater responsibility on a dynamic team, for the purposes of getting someone else to pay for my flight and hotel room in San Francisco. Actual employment not sought.") Since he's making San Jose money, had you considered enrolling for master's degree programs there, maybe in administration of schools for children with special needs? Policy work to better coordinate government efforts with the needs of kids? I realize it'll take you a while to take a Massachusetts teaching license and turn it into a California one, but if it's not direct-facing work, you may be able to get a different perspective from another part of your field. I also think that you should come to a decision here pretty quickly, because it's the end of April. If you are leaving your school, they need to be interviewing candidates and you need to be offering that kind of predictability to these kids who sure as heck aren't getting that predictability in change at home.

Here's the whole comment in case you do delete or redact it, so others can see what you wrote.