My (33F) fantasy of someone (35M) is not what I thought

These are all very good questions, and questions I’ve asked myself.

I’m usually cautious about the way people talk about their exes. We were both in long term relationships prior (mine was 12 years), and lots of mistakes were made but we worked on it until it was no longer working. I spent a lot of time acknowledging to myself how I wronged my ex but at the same time I became more aware of times he wronged me. In the end, he wasn’t horrible to me, he was actually a very loyal person (until he met someone he really clicked with and he seems happy now so whatever). The guy we are talking about today was in a long term relationship where he felt he had no control over anything. He made her sound like a princess who always got her way. And it did kind of concern me that I was good at pointing out my flaws in my relationship whereas this guy seemed to take no ownership of any he may have had. That should have been a sign.

I think this was the first time I’d found someone who could let my guard down with and he said he felt the same, things he had said to me before I had. Maybe he was planting those feelings, presenting his front stage self. Whereas I wanted to do my best to be who I am around him so that he would know what he was getting in to. I definitely think there were many, many, times that he was telling me what he thought I’d want to hear.

I tried to take back control of Christmas, I offered to go to him, but he said no, he said he was feeling depressed and needed to be on his own. We talked for awhile over the phone and both felt a bit better afterwards, but it hurt that he didn’t let me try to get it back on track.

I think I allowed myself to be a doormat because I feel like I treated my ex one on many occasions (it is a fact that others agree with me on). I think I felt it was ok because I was like that. But as time went on I realized that I had grown up from my past mistakes so there is no reason I should punish myself by letting someone treat me that way. So my real lesson from this is that it is horrible being a doormat and that I should never be a doormat again, nor should I ever treat someone that way.

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