My 9 year old daughter is ruining my life.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

Have you ever had her tested for Autism? I will admit that this kind of behaviour sounds a little like my own when I was a lot younger. (I have aspergers) and also similar to the tantrums my daughter (also on the spectrum, high functioning but she doesn't like to speak much, but she can certainly throw a bad tantrum and be destructive when she wants to be) throws.

The thing with high functioning Autism/Aspergers especially, is that the individual can be incredibly intelligent, capable of being kind hearted, etc. But another thing we may struggle to understand, is the feelings of others. We can be selfish without ever meaning to be. We also, as a result, struggle to voice our own emotions. (especially when younger of course, it can get better, it has with me) and throwing a tantrum/having a meltdown is the only response we may know, sad to say. We may not be able to rationalise, and we may turn violent. We may not always like being told what to do because we like our own routine - so not getting our own way can sometimes disrupt that. And because we can't rationalize it so easily, it can turn into a tantrum. It can go from one extreme to the other almost in an instant.

There has, sadly, been times when I was younger that I had tried to attack my own parents or my sister. I sometimes wouldn't even remember it afterwards, and I'd be sorry, but I guess in a way I didn't show it the same way.

I'd often scream my head off at my sister or parents music being too loud. That could be sensory. Pulling hair or banging her head could also be a physical stim.

Does she have other (calmer) repetitive movements such as rocking etc (one of mine is tapping my fingers together in a rhythm, for example) ? Does she have specific interests that she holds above all others? Is there certain things like textures, sounds, colours, etc she does not like? Does she like routine? How is she in a social setting with strangers etc? Does she sleep well? (I know I never did, sometimes I still struggle :/), does she have a specific toy etc that she would never part with? All those sorts of things are questions when getting to the root of whether she is indeed Autistic.

I really do suggest that, hard as it is, you keep pushing. My parents had to push for years, because they knew since I was very young. You've got to be firm. Unfortunately I will admit that the mental health services, both for young and old, are lacking, though, so I can only wish you and your family the best and hope you can get to the bottom of this and get the help you all need. <3

/r/CasualUK Thread