Thank you for such a thoughtful response. VERY much appreciated! I did have issues breastfeeding, too, so that was a pretty great thing to use for an analogy. Kinda different, and was nearly two decades ago, but yes, your point is made. How do I help him get that negativity out of his head?!
But - about the scrip... I can tell you that I do know about his Adderall scrip. I do understand it pretty well. I definitely at least understand what he and his doctor have agreed upon. (I'm not going to get further into why no I understand it, because that would get us way off topic. Suffice it to say I have experience in this field, although I've never seen patients. It's not an MD, but I do have an advanced degree. You probably do know more about this in general, but I do know what he's supposed to be doing, and I know that at times, he's gone astray from his prescribed plan.) Anyway, I'm not mistaken here about what he has been prescribed and how he is supposed to use it, because I've repeatedly discussed this with him and our doctor, because I questioned it myself. Another member of my family uses the same scrip daily, but extended release and a different dose. When he first explained, I researched it, because it was a VERY different plan from what my kid had gotten - and from the same doctor. I went with him to an appointment (this was out of convenience not my actually probing this issue at the time; we all see the same one, so I just happened to be there). She was incredibly thorough with her instructions.
He does not have extended release. He is not on a STRICT daily regimen. His doctor and he landed on his using a certain dosage, and it is supposed to last approximately four hours. He has since had that dosage doubled, and is allowed to split the dosage during the day, but he doesn't always split it - sometimes taking the whole thing at once, and other times, not taking the second dose. It's not crazy random, though; these patterns are followed for a few weeks, and gradually he will switch to another, and so on. It's not full dose at once, half dose/no dose then full dose... It's more in a gradient adjustment. Overall, he is allowed a certain amount of that in a day, and does not need to take it on a 100% daily basis, just a regular basis and around the same time daily (on the days he is using it). In other words, not weekends if he is working M-F 9-5, which is not always the case (and which may be the recent issue). But if he's not in need of serious focus, he is not required to stay on it, as long as he doesn't just drop it altogether suddenly or something. In other words, he has a routine, but it is not a 24-hour to the minute routine. It's not Lithium or a blood pressure issue, and his ADD is not so severe, especially not after his now having had the scrip for so long and having used it so regularly for all that time.
When he is particularly busy with a project, he will take more than his recommended dose. He doesn't do THIS on a regular basis, but I suspect he has done it more than he has shared with me. Sort of a little lie of omission that he will readily admit to if confronted, but that may not get announced. I am very "by the book" with meds (have a couple of them myself that literally keep me alive) and he knows I would prefer he follow doctor's instructions too. His rationale is that he is still within a "safe" amount, blahblahblah.... but in these moments, he IS using it for a crutch/recreation - like the beginning of an addiction. He loves the way it makes him feel. I didn't think the drug thing was an issue at all; I have known him most of my life, and I couldn't care less about all the shit he has done. So I didn't originally think maybe he's developing an Adderall dependency or something along those lines - but now I'm just looking at all the possible angles, and it seems that the Adderall is almost always part of the ED problem. So yeah, in those times, I'm pretty sure he has chosen that over sex by secretly OVER using his dose. :( I don't think he meant to. I don't think he consciously picked that. I think he either didn't think we were gonna do it that day or he didn't realize how MUCH it was going to affect him, or, in this last whirlwind of a project, maybe even lost track of what he did with the Adderall (which I totally disagree with his doing, but again - that may or may not be a separate issue he and I might need to discuss - it's off topic here).
As far as the ED drugs are concerned, he tried Viagra but it was not as effective. It worked but had the headache side effect and wasn't as powerful, long lasting, etc. Haven't tried Levitra.
In his head. That's exactly what I'm trying to imagine - what really is going on his head. He's known for being very open and outspoken, but that doesn't really parlay into ease with intimacy and brutal honesty about such sensitive topics. So I guess I'm bracing myself for the possibility that he's either kidding himself about his love for me... that he will come to the realization that all this stuff really isn't the issue - that it's just that he really has gotten bored. This isn't a total insecurity thing about me me me me.... if you'll read my response to the poster below you, I address my feelings and unselfishness here. Contrary to what the poster beneath this says, I do NOT make everything about myself and not him. If anything, I may have made too much about him. The question is really this - if all this fails and it keeps failing, should I just bow out gracefully? Maybe he does love/care for me and it's unbearable to him to hurt me, and so he's in denial about a lack of attraction? I just have to consider that it's possible. And yeah, he IS dealing with a lot of stress. I just really want his desire for me - for US (not just me - I want HIM to be thrilled just because I want to make HIM happy, too, not JUST for my own sexual gratification or ego) - I just want his desire for our sex life to override his stress.