I understand where you’re coming from 100%. Please know this does not make you a horrible person, and your reactions are completely normal. I fully understand it seems daunting.

Something very similar happened to me. I’m a woman, and I thought I was a lesbian. I was dating my current partner (FtM) as a woman in the beginning. I have been with him for almost 5 years now. The first time he decided to explore his gender, I felt like I was losing him. It was a terrible feeling and I felt selfish for thinking I was losing my own identity as a lesbian. It sounds trivial, but there were so many identity crisis’ for me in that time. About a year later, he decided to go back to female (I still feel as this was pressured by his parents). This lasted another year. Then after he moved out with me, he went back to male.

As you can probably tell, this threw me through a lot of loops. I was confused and upset and I didn’t know how to handle all of this. I have seen the signs of his dysphoria throughout the years and I decided to ignore it because I was scared.

He started testosterone 5 months ago. This causes very gradual changes, helping me to adjust.

Please know this is not transphobic of you in the slightest. These feelings are completely normal and rational. If your partner takes a gradual change, it can give you time to adjust and understand that this is still the same person you fell in love with, but happier. More authentic, more confident. All I had ever told myself was that this was what he wanted. I love him more than anything, and I would try my absolute best to support him. But it was definitely not always this easy to accept. It was a long process for both of us.

I hope this helps to alleviate even a little bit of anxiety. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. I understand completely.