Extra long version because I don’t know where to put this.
1: a best friend for many years who I started feeling insecure around. We were best friends throughout school and she was extroverted, loud and very much herself while I was shy, introverted and couldn’t really express myself. Somehow we clicked. But we got older and I started feeling insecure because she had all these friends and I didn’t and I felt moved on from. When we went into high school I made new friends and convinced myself that I wouldn’t get hurt by her popularity if I just prioritised my new friends and ghosted her. Ridiculous yes. Then I said I had made better friends and I felt left out by her. I scream internally remembering this even though it was years ago. Only after a few years of awkwardness did I apologise for my shittiness. We are okay now but I know I hurt her :/
The introvert door slam. That feeling when for whatever reason you shut down to a person and make all moves to distance yourself. I had no real explanation for 2 of my closest friends (different times) and I just avoided them and having a conversation. They would tell my other friends that they missed me and I would run away. Only months/ years later did I face up and say I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said something about how I was feeling. It’s okay with both now but I get caught up in how much hurt I cause.
A friend who I shouldn’t have gotten close with. I had lost a lot of friends in high school through some combination of avoidance, insecurity and overthinking and entering into uni I decided to spend a lot of time (months) with a girl who I realised that i had nothing in common with and whomst I disagreed on fundamental things. I tried drifting away but things got awkward and I had to have a conversation about if I still wanted to be friends and I said no. It was a mess.
This one isn’t quite ruined but I feel like my overthinking and insecurity got the better of me (as it always does) and I questioned whether I was still important to my best friend from childhood. After avoiding her for a few months while I wallowed in self pity, i had a very awkward 30 minute conversation where I realised that my doubts had been due to overthinking and insecurity and we were fine. But the points I brought up about me feeling undervalued and taken for granted have left a weird mark and we haven’t talked since. And our mutual friends have somewhat disappeared from my life.
So here we are. I know i hurt people and I know some of them have talked shit about me together. In touch with a splatter of people from pre university, wondering if I’ll make the same mistake with a few new friends I have. If they’ll realise that I really truly suck and will save themselves the trouble. I can’t guarantee that I won’t make these mistakes again because anxiety and avoidance is still part of me. Am trying to speak up but wondering if I just overthink everything and should leave things alone.