While I’ve never been violent towards him, I absolutely know that anger. I broke his front door after he disappeared one night, then told me the next day he was drunk and with another woman.
Ive flipped over my Christmas tree. Ive broken my phone. I’ve thrown too many things to count. Ive trashed my own house in a rage. I’ve screamed so loud my throat hurt for days after.
I HATE being that person. That’s not who I am at my core. And I know that my anger issues are mine and mine alone. I can’t and don’t blame him for my outbursts. but I also know now his alcoholic behaviors are a massive trigger for me.
Putting myself in that situation is massively irresponsible, knowing how toxic things can become, how toxic I become. It’s my responsibility to keep myself calm, and if I can’t do that, I need to avoid the situation at all costs because there’s no excuse for that behavior.
His alcoholism isn’t your fault and you being physically abusive isn’t his. You’ve hit a point where it’s actually dangerous for you both to continue on like this. I know you’re scared and sad over the thought of leaving. But please remember everyone’s safety is top priority here.
It’s so hard, I know. My heart aches for you both.