Hi, I'm Gavin. This was a post I put up earlier, I'm so sorry for your loss it really does suck, let's hope this message gets out to people feeling suicidal, and if you ever need to talk I am here, I'm a stranger but I'm here,

2 months ago I lost my Dad to suicide, I feel lost and I'm thinking about him constantly, he was the most caring person I knew and he loved myself and my four brothers more than anything. (Just a warning this is grim) He hung himself on the banister above the stairs in my house, I've never gone back nor has any of my family, he did it there because he knew we had to get out of there, he developed an addiction to alcohol when my grandfather passed away in 2003, so thats what kickstarted it, I personally blame the alcohol as a friend of mine went to the house to collect my things and found a bag of empty beer cans, he did it when we were all at a relatives 21st, I feel like I let him down, my mom cheated and fell pregnant with another man 2 days before his birthday which is the quite shit, that ruined him, so he moved in with my grandmother whilst he tried looking for a new place, I am now living here sleeping on the couch he slept on since Christmas, surrounded in the photos of me and my brothers that he took from our house, I've never felt so low in my life, this is probably not making a lot of sense but I need to let off steam somewhere and my friends are getting tired of me talking about it, they don't say it but I know they are.. He never left a note, I guess his idea of a goodbye was the pictures he took, I was at home 2 hours before he went there, he was such a generous sweet person and never ever lied to us, just an honest caring generous but yet troubled person, the thing about suicide is that in a lot of cases you're obviously unaware of the dark thoughts cooked up in the victims head, suicide is all in the brain. An organ. And if anyone reading this is feeling suicidal and finds that the whole "people are here for you" "talk to someone" doesn't help or register in ones head then trust me, suicide is not the answer, there is help (if you choose to take it) but until you're dead and gone you're not there to see the impact is has on family members or friends, even if you feel like you have no more family of friends and everything is falling apart young or old you still have your life in which you are entitled to live, get outside, go for walks, fucking paint or some shit just do something to keep you occupied. Because as blunt as it sounds you may feel so so low but imagine someone you love just leaving your life in such an ugly way, I personally am the type of person who needs to know things or it will sit in my brain, I saw my Dad (Wayne) in his coffin the night he died, his face was cold, he had no colour. I will never forget that image in my head for the rest of my life (in which I will live to the fullest) I kissed his forehead and they put him in the hearse, I couldn't cry, I was numb, I tend to blabber on but basically what I'm saying is to anyone who's feeling depressed and suicidal to think of a better option to help yourself, just think. And not in a suicidal way. You can always help yourself and as pissy as it sounds you're just being miserable and not thinking straight. I love my Dad so much and I can't stop thinking about him, I was on anti depressants and I couldn't sleep for weeks, there is a massive impact, love yourself.