It sounds to me like you do care. You can still care but be disappointed with the kind of father he was.

I thought for the longest time that you have to wait for people to die to grieve them. You don’t

I learned that from experience. I’m no contact with my family because of abuse.

My parents are alive but I already grieved them, their absence in my life. I never had them anyway. They never loved me.

What I’m trying to say is that I think you have been grieving already for a long time. If you can’t remember anything good don’t feel bad, it wasn’t your fault.

Love, bonding takes time and energy many parents do not invest in their children it’s their responsibility.

You are looking for something you can’t feel but you supposed to right? The numbness you feel is the truth. You’ll get through it. Years ago my father called me to tell me that my grandmother had passed. I felt nothing, I barely knew her. I felt horrible for years, like I was some kind of monster for not shading a tear. But I wasn’t, never was. I just didn’t know her.

I think feeling numb is a way of protecting ourselves because the alternative, the truth is too hard to accept, too painful all at once. I have cried mNy tears and let them all go. Today, I’m ok in touch with what I feel. One day at a time.

Bottom line: Remember it’s not your fault. You sound like a terrific son. He missed out. I’m sorry for your loss and I don’t mean just the upcoming passing of your dad but for the good times you never had to remember. Take care op You have been heard.