Is my deal breaker understandable or ridiculous?

For one, if it's something you can't handle, that's that and you shouldn't feel guilty. That said, if you feel like you are limiting yourself from pursuing people you'd be very interested in otherwise, it might be worth reconsidering.

Your second example seems pretty reasonable - it would definitely be frustrating to date someone who admits that when they are single, they have a close friend they hook up with. However, I do think you're artificially limiting yourself if you rule out anyone who stays close with someone they had an FWB-arrangement with in the past (not the recent past, just the past). I'm friends with girls I used to hook up with, and it's just that. Friendship with someone I was never emotionally intimate with.

The first example, someone being close friends with a long term ex, seems more like it should be a case by case rule. For example, is she someone he dated in college or high school and now he's far removed from those? Has he had other serious relationships in between? If you dated someone for that long, there are a lot of things you shared, so if the breakup was actually mutual or they both moved on successfully, being friends is understandable.

If it was his most recent ex or all his in between relationships weren't serious, that would be a much bigger warning sign.

Personally, I wouldn't make it a deal breaker, but you know what you can handle. Also, in this case, even if it is a ridiculous deal breaker, it's not the type of deal breaker that will come up often - it's far, far rarer to stay close to an ex than it is to simply lose contact, and those who stay friends often drift apart and aren't close, but consider each other friends simply out of shared experience. The only way I'd say you are limiting yourself a bit much is if you can't date someone who had a FWB in the past who has stayed close with them for a long time without still hooking up. And even then, it's still not something that should prevent you from finding someone.

Anyway, you should only question your dealbreakers if you find yourself wishing just this one thing about someone would change. At that point, you just have to ask yourself if the rule, while based on something important to you, is one you are willing to make an exception on.

/r/relationship_advice Thread