My dear friend with BPD just cut contact with me, because "he is a bad influence in my life"

Hi,

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

To not get much into detail, he defined our relationship as a "romantic friendship" and I agree with him.

We are both romantically (but not sexually) involved with each other, which includes expressing our love for each other. But neither of us has an interest in a romantic relationship. We have very different lifestyles, so while friendship works out perfectly, we wouldn't be even able to live in the same house.

We like the friendship we have. He has expressed it himself.

I am polyromantic and polyamorous, so these type of feelings and relationships are nothing new to me.

He is of utmost important to me and an essential part of my life. My day starts and ends with the thought of him. He is like the air, the sun, the moon - a life without him - just doesn't make sense.

He was feeling off in the night, and he called me up to hang very late, which was unusual for him. I think he spent all night at the office again. I woke up in the middle of the night, awoken by a strange worry, and wrote a poem - for and about him. We have a discord channel we share our poetry and prose in. So I don't know if he ever read it.

"When I stepped into your room, I found the floor Littered with shards.

Forgive me, for I have Stained your carpet, With my blood.

The glass image - That was your soul, Had shattered the night before.

In brode daylight, I saw the cracks Tear through your face.

And the only thing, They left behind, Was your radiant beauty.

If only, oh I beg all lords All ladies, all Gods! If only - you could see it too."

It feels almost prophetic when reading it now.

Now that he seems to be gone - there is a hole in his shape in my soul, and I know - nothing will ever be able to fill it. What we have is so out of the ordinary, so special, so fragile, so unique. He was a constant in my life, a place I could relax and just be, and I hope I was the same for him. Even after a day of utter exhaustion, when the idea of talking to a single person was like listening to nails scratching on a charc board - knowing I would here his voice again rejuvenated me.

We never had a fight - what would we even fight about? Just dialogues and discussion where we would come to a calm conclusion of being of opposite opponions.

The idea of me ruining this over a meaningless amount of money makes me want to shot my face off.

I keep telling myself it is not my fault, that is not the money - but it does not change the fact that he might never talk to me again. And this thought drowns me in a thick black bog of desperation.

I need to learn to life without him. And while I know I can do it - I am unsure if I want to.

I will be reaching out, with the occasional update on how my life is going, accompanied by a goat pic or pressious meme. But nothing can change the feeling, that this morning, at 11 am, a part of me died.

Thank you so much for sharing, I am sorry for basically text vomiting in your general direction. I am just in so much pain and so restless and lost. I don't know if I can survive him killing himself if he chooses to do that.

Again, so sorry. Thank you for reading.

/r/BPD Thread Parent