He loved me once. He really did. He loved me so much and was so kind and none of that exists anymore. It has not existed for the last few years.
And I don’t know where those feelings went or what changed or how he became what felt like a different human being altogether. He probably feels the same way about me, although I don’t believe for even a second that my MS is what caused him to suddenly lose all affection, love, friendship and...respect, even, for me.
It was after that, out of nowhere, like a switch that flipped one night when he came home from work and told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he wasn’t willing to or able to find me attractive.
God, I’m sorry. There’s typos and I’m rambling. But it’s just so brutal. The reality, I mean. He’s fine and that’s just that and I am left alone and I don’t know how or when I’ll be able to pick up any semblance of a new life because the debt and the lack of work and the fear hat comes with MS is pretty bad.
So it hurts on a thousand different levels, but it also feels better to tell someone...even though I don’t know any of you, you’ve been kind to me and helpful and that’s appreciated more than you can know.
And it helped to talk about it. I’m sorry for the myriad of typos. I am currently NOT ina. Flare up (obviously) but I’ve not slept all night and I’ve cried a lot for a very long number of hours. So my vision is just fine right now, but I’m afraid I don’t know if I have the energy to attempt to proof this post before I hit submit. And I’m sorry for that. I’ll try to do it later. And I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to stick with me for this long, because it does and did help to share all that, even though it brought forth a flood of all manner of emotions.
But it gives some context as well, some context I wasn’t sure I wanted to even share. These lawyers know about my condition and they know the extreme importance of me being on top of getting new healthcare.
They know that, which is bad enough, but the actual lead attorney is a close family friend who has has known me since the 5th grade and who has celebrated holidays with us before (not in a while, but he and my parents go way back).
Big huge law firm. He is the baked partner and he offered to take this case as a favor to my parents. He brought in another attorney to do the main work, but he was still involved. His two paralegals are close to my mom, one of them is even in her book club. This is a joke or some exaggeration that I’m throwing out there onto the Internet. In all likelihood I’ll delete this before too long, because the fact that I had jt out Nashville makes me easily identifiable if anyone I know happens upon this.
But, anyway, they offered to take my case and they know me and my family very well. And as soon as I refused to go after my husband’s retirement fund and spousal support they seemed disgusted and that’s when (in my opinion) they decided to write me off altogether. They told my parents I was an awful client, brainwashed by my ex. That wasn’t true, although I probably was a nightmare client because I didn’t want any of his assets and I didn’t dare that I’d freely given him money back when times were reversed. Those were choices I made without a second thought and I just didn’t see the logic in prolonging the matter by waging a war against my ex to make a grab for his retirement.
That’s probably dumb as hell, but it’s what I chose and I don’t regret it. I don’t know why, I just don’t. I had no desire for revenge or even a prolonged relationship and drawn out divorce. I don’t hate him. I just feel very, very sad because I don’t know when or why it all turned into this, but it did and that is so sad and terrible and no good would come of me fighting for his salary. He was very mean to me and he did take freely from me when I had money to give; but I offered that money to him and he never once asked or expected it. He seemed ashamed to be unemployed and he worked hard to finish his degree and he spent years building his current career. (Although he’s in a field that pays well for everyone with a degree, so there wasn’t a ton of blood and toil to itZ he got the degree and the degree and the experience and the jobs have not stopped coming ever since.)
But, again, it’s his careerX his hard work, his new life. And there’s a darker notice at work as well. I am not as altruistic as it seems. Much of my reasoning for turning away any kind of support was the fact that my husband has changed dramatically in the past couple of years. He is incredibly angry and hitter and hateful towards most people and things. He doesn’t seem even remotely happy anymore, save for the rare occasion. But it’s bad. He’s the angriest person I know and nothing lifts him out of his misery...not for long, anyway. I don’t feel kissed off at him so much as I feel sad and concerned and deeply, deeply confused by how he became like this. He went from being a happy go lucky person who was sweet and loved life. Yes, he always had a temper, but it was a rare event that we saw it. Now he’s in road rage mode almost 24/7 ready to explode at anyone and anything. Very little makes him happy anymore land he has somehow come to believe I am the root cause behind all of his misery. Maybe there’s a kernel of truth to that. But I simply don’t have that much power and I became subservient and submissive and I bowed to what he wanted as his anger grew to epic and sometimes scary proportions. It’s rare to see him find joy in even a movie or a bike ride or a video game — all things he loved. He finds joy in very little now. I don’t either, but it’s chicken and egg and I do tend to think his anger issues came on first because they caused him to lose close friends, alienate his own family, and even lose one very wonderful job. So that’s the story, in a nutshell.
Thank you all for listening.