This will likely get lost in the comments but I dated an abusive guy several years ago. He was charming at first and he was my first boyfriend, so when he slowly started to get more jealous, controlling and demanding of my time, I thought that was because he cared about me and that’s what boyfriends do.

But once he started to get physically and emotionally abusive, i walked away. It was extremely difficult because to my family and our friends, he was a great guy. He would always wait until we were alone to let his facade down and would gaslight me into thinking I deserved it.

Several months after we broke up, he started dating another girl. I wasn’t bothered by their relationship, because I was happy to get away from him before things got worse and she became the distraction that finally made me leave me alone. But I worried for her and considered messaging her and telling her about who he really was. I never did it because I was scared that she would tell him and he would re-enter my life or that he would paint me as his crazy obsessive ex.

A few years later, after they broke up, I ended up meeting a friend of hers through work. The friend told me that they broke up because he was abusive to her as well. He had begun drinking heavily when he started dating her, which allowed his facade to crack and he was far less secretive about his treatment of her than he was of me.

I always wondered if I did the right thing by not reaching out to her. I hope this woman is being sincere, but it’s fair of you to ask for proof. I think your gut will give you the answers you need. It also might open your eyes to some of the behaviors your husband may have that suddenly make sense. Abusers usually don’t show their true colors over night. It’s usually small things that add up until it finally happens.