Hey K*, J here.

First of all, I love you more than words can say. You are one of the most important people in my life, and I respect and value your opinions. I’m proud of you, and support your journey in life. However, I don’t think all the facts are being represented here.

I agree that he should have taken the initiative to call you more and talk to you when we were teenagers. From his point of view, he was trying to give you the option of talking on your terms, when you wanted to. However, I understand that this may have had the opposite effect and made you feel uncared for or unloved, and he should apologise for that.

I also agree it’s not fair for him to say that it’s both of them or nothing - it’s difficult reforming relationships, especially when there more than one person involved, and they tell each other everything (not inherently bad but sometimes you just want some privacy to have a conversation and know it won’t be repeated, not bc there’s anything secret but just bc it’s private. Totally get it, I’ve experienced the same thing with them).

However, Dad wasn’t “not around” when we were young, he was working overseas to pay for our school fees bc there weren’t many jobs in his field in the country we lived in. He’s moved internationally several times to support us, each time leaving behind all his friends and support network, and the places he loved.

He also spent significantly more than just one day every few weeks with us - we regularly stayed at his house for quite a few days/nights in a row depending on our school schedule (which wasn’t within driving distance of his house. The house was so far away because our mother (who I also love deeply) got all the money in the divorce, so that was all he could afford). He was also flying in and out of the country every two weeks for the aforementioned overseas work, so it’s not as if he could have done much more regardless.

In regards to our stepmother, it’s true that she’s made comments that hurt, but she has lived a much more difficult life than us (which I’m not sure you’ve ever been told about) and was trying to help you mature. However, I understand your feelings about this, and think she should apologise for them.

On the flip side, whenever we stayed with them she was the one who cooked our meals, washed our clothes, looked after us when we were sick, planned a lot of the activities we did with dad, and spent months choosing our Christmas and birthday presents. This isn’t to say she was perfect by any means, but to illustrate that she did a lot for us.

If you don’t want any relationship with Sandra I understand and I’m not trying to argue with you or change your mind!

Side note - I’d love to know about these ‘unforgivable’ comments I apparently made. Similarly to with S***** and her life, a lot happened between Mum and myself that you weren’t aware of. I’m not saying that she’s a bad person or that either of them came out of the divorce well, just that it’s a fact that she got the money.

I love our mother with every ounce of passion in my heart, and have recently had several important conversations with her about the past which have healed a part of me that has been damaged for a long time. Perhaps you should ask her about them.

Again, none of this is to argue with you or change your mind. You are perfectly entitled to your opinion!

I’m about to leave work fora long drive back and will zonk out as soon as I get home, so if I don’t reply it’s not bc I’m ignoring you!

Let’s talk again soon, I’ve got pics of some cute pigs to show you and we’ve got a minecraft house to built together :) <3