Hey, nothing anyone can say will fill the hole. So I'll just share, I want you to know I was in a very bad place mentally last week and found myself standing on the side of the 580 freeway with cars flying by....screaming as humanly loud as I could until my temples Pounded. Nothing could have removed the pain I felt that night, it seemed. I find myself thinking of death often but will never ever knowingly commit the act. It is understood, that individuals commit such an act because there is a physical/mental pain/anguish that is simply, unbearable. Unfortunately, your spouses pain has not ended, it was just passed on.

Please seek the support, we both need it I'm no one to talk because I've needed help for years, but just will not set the appt. I'm getting worse so I hope I can have what it takes to set the apt. And not lie to myself. I tried recently and the therapist never called me back. I volunteered for the zoo and wasn't accepted. It seems like there can be so many shut doors around us, but please never stop trying. In no way were you responsible for your husbands actions.
It brings me to tears the weight you must feel on your shoulder....

I was on my way to ask for help on how I get started with a therapist (I have insurance), and came across your post.

Our lives are like rubber bands. They will constantly, till the end of time be stretched and pulled, but never will it break or bust. If you can keep moving forward, there will be a better day.

I am so sorry for this. Deep Down