My fiance killed himself after a fight with me. How do I go on? How do I live with the guilt?

A thing I learned during the years I had no treatment and was basically out of control, suicidal and horrible to be around was... No one is entitled to love and help. I lost many friends and I felt so betrayed and let down. But I realized how taxing it is to have to carry someone else, as I can tell from your comments that you did with your fiance. It isn't something you're entitled to, people lighting themselves on fire to keep you warm. It's a gift you're given by people who really truly care for you. I had one of those people. And sometimes that isn't enough. I tried to kill myself anyway.

For many reasons, some of them because someone hurt me very deeply. It will never be his fault. I will never blame him. It's actually almost the other way around, I felt horrible that he had to walk around thinking he had a role in someone's suicide attempt, because he did nothing that warranted blame for that.

Suicide is kind of selfish. It just passes on the pain to someone else. I think that kind of selfishness is in some way okay, because when you try to end your own life, it's because you (think) you're choosing the lesser of two evils. And I get that as someone close to the person who killed themselves it's easy to go "what if I had just done X differently?" but the thing is... it is never your job to keep other people from killing themselves. It isn't fair to ask that from anyone. Most people want to help to an extent, some more than others. And that is good. It's wonderful that we love each other and that we want to help other people.

But even if you could have done more, even if your fiance would still be alive if you had done things differently, who knows... it is NOT your fault. It never can be.

Even if your head is filled with "if only I X", "why didn't I X", "I should have X", it was beyond your control, because you had no say in the decision.

/r/SuicideWatch Thread