My first patient died on Christmas during my first year of nursing. She was 96 yrs old and in for the flu. She was completely stable on day 5/5 on Tamiflu in order to then be transferred to a nursing home. She went from room air to BIPAP in 30 mins. Had a STAT CT done ended up looking like a retroperitoneal bleed. The attending doc talked to the son who was visiting from out of town and switched her to DNR after I worked my butt off to get a surgery consult and get a call back on Christmas only to be lectured why she isn’t a surgical candidate… ( not my call , let the consulting MD know… but why not yell at me instead because we get dumped on as nurses and faulted for everything) anyways…. She ended up passing away 2 hrs after her code status was changed. The son was there ALL day , stepped away to get a short walk / coffee and that’s when she decided it was her time.

There is nothing you can do or change in that situation just like I couldn’t either. That morphine at the end of the day would not have changed a thing or the outcome of the inevitable. She was in a safe environment with a ton of support and family there at the end. Nursing is a 24/7 hour job, it’s not one that you can solve in the 12 hours that you are there. Don’t be so hard on yourself!! You sound like an amazing and compassionate nurse who cares about your patients deeply. Anyone would be lucky to have you! Keep your head up!