I don't want to make another post..but I'm not sure where else, or who I can say this too.

I'm so angry all the time, and I'm so sad at everything. I have no one who is here..I actually called a helpline tonight just to feel heard. I have literally spent every moment by myself today and I feel lost. I feel incredibly sad, and am struggling to have anything but negative thoughts....which is pissing off the one or two people who have spent any time with me since Monday. So now, I am painting on a smile and a positive attitude and pretending again. Except this time Im pretending Im happy, that Im okay.

The circles I was caught up in, they were bad people, but at least they were there...at least they were talking to me, I wasn't alone. They didnt make me censor myself. I heard from those people every day. I don't want to go back, I'm not that dumb. I'm just really aware of how alone I am. My partner, he has been really supportive, but he has his own life, kids, responsibilities and demands. My only friends left are single mothers and I just cannot be around damn children right now.

So I'm trying to make a plan...and I want to be the happy positive person my remaining loved ones are telling me to be. But right now I dont feel like that person, and bottling up my negative thoughts and feelings, internalising everything, I'm just going to end up hurting myself.

So even though I haven't smoked pot, or any drug, in months... right now I am sitting here thinking how much easier it would be to paint a smile on my face and be positive if I was stoned. How much easier it would be to fall asleep right now if I went and got stoned. Or How much better i would feel if I could curl up in the arms of my Soulmate and fall asleep listening to His heartbeat.

But neither is an option. I can't go get drugs. I can't hug my partner. So I'm here, alone, feeling like I'm drowning in my own self-pity and tears.