I wish she could be by my side right now, but I had been depressed for almost a year and a half when I couldn't take it anymore and finally talked to her. At that point I had thrown my well-going student career down the drain, I hated myself because I knew I could have done so much better. I'm so sorry I didn't said anything earlier, I was just so scared and I kept repeating to myself that things would have get better, it was just a matter of days, and you were away from mon to friday, I just had to keep going with my its-all-good acting for a little more and we'd be okay. You must had felt so stupid, baby, I get it now. Fast-forward two months, I'm in my car screaming horrible things at her, one of my usual rage explosions over petty issues, and I broke her. I went too far, and she started crying like many times before, but I immediately knew this time I fucked up for real. The image of her, crying in my car, trying to escape. Her face, oh god. I'll never forgive myself for what I've done. Things had been going down the hill for a while (what else could have happened? I was so mean..), but I knew I loved her. She is so sharp, so interesting, and I wish you could feel how I felt while she laughed.

That was one year and a half ago. I came back on my feet, took back my studies, and did better than most of my colleagues. I have a social life, I don't even get stressed doing most of the things that by then looked impracticable. I can talk to people again, I somehow manage to get some girls to like me (when for a good while I couldn't feel enough worth of a human being even to think to date somebody), and I'm settling with a smart girl that will probably make me a better, happy man. Too bad maybe I can't love her, any time I close my eyes I see my lost one's face scared of me, in my car, in that parking lot. We still talk every now and then, and I see she hates me. She may not even know it, but I know. She'd bring up who she's dating, how much she had fun last weekend with that guy in his car. How well is her life going, and why am I still in college. "Don't you feel a grown-ass failure?" Yes baby, every fucking day of the week. "I saw your pic on fb, you don't look good at all, you are too thin, like, weak thin" I know, ahah. Sometimes I think how much this took a toll on me. Am I going on? People really live their lifes thinking constantly on what they've lost or I am fucked up for real? What the fuck, it's been so long, and still every day I feel bad for what I've done. Sometimes it's a quiet, persistent melanchony, sometimes I just want to tangle up in plaid and cry. Sometimes it's both. I've fantasized so many dialogues with her, I repeated the same phrases so much times. I know we won't have any of those conversations, our interactions are me texting you, you don't say much at all, and after a few exchanges I suck up and politely excuse myself out. Sometime in the next months you'll tell me that you've found someone and if I could stop bothering you. Ok, fine, good luck with everything, bye. What I'd give to make you laugh again, even for a single time.

TL;DR Depression makes you cray, OP is awesome