I don’t want to make this too personal but this happened to me as a 4 year old. I was never told, I figured it out for myself and when I confronted and asked people everyone refused to confirm. Until eventually a cousin did and later my sister gave me details after being told by an aunt. That was 20 years later.

I don’t know if it was worse to know, it was hard to know. But that doesn’t mean it was worse. It can help you grieve more effectively and receive some kind of closure to have a solid idea of what happened.

I also want to say I am so, so sorry this happened. I hope you never feel guilty and you make sure you get the support you need in both a professional and unprofessional capacity.

The most you can do is shower your child in love, don’t let them feel as though they are loved any less because of a missing parent. Listen to them, support them. Don’t deny his existence or make it impossible for your child to talk or ask questions about him (this is also why it’s so important to get yourself support too). You can’t expect a child to just forget someone exists, and you shouldn’t. But you don’t need to tell them all the details. Speak to child psychologists about how best to go about discussing it, doing that the wrong way can be more traumatising (my mother woke us up screaming and I can still feel trapped in that night when I feel like I’m being abandoned by someone). Make sure you child has consistent access to psychological support. And know you can only do your best, don’t blame yourself if this is hard for you or your child: it is hard. But you will be okay.