I read your post to my bf who also suffers from BPD, although some of your points don't apply to him, he said that he share your feelings when it comes to guilty and anxiety, he even have panic attacks every now and then.

When we first started dating, he thought of me as a savior, someone who could save him from his sadness which sadly, I couldn't. We used to have fights back then because I wasn't able to understand his BPD behaviors and feelings like I do now, however I was very clear when I told him that it was completely on him to work on it if he ever wanna change and get better, I had and will always help him with anything that I can but is up to him to take the decisions. I'm quite lucky because he accepted my help and nowdays he has change a lot but still have a lot of bad things going in his mind.

My point is that if you really desire to do all those things, you have to start doing them or try at least, because no one is going to knock at your door and fix or do things for you. People can help you but the decisions are only yours to make.

There's always hope, don't give up and stay strong! : )