Yes, I full admit and acknowledge that. I'm aware of what I'm doing. I've been conscious of that for some time now. Frankly, the complete cessation of sex is easier than the preceding occasional scraps that kept hope alive. I've had long, sexless stretches before my marriage. Not getting laid is my normal state which I think is hard for most to grasp.

My guess is a separation would be hellish for me. I made a noose last time we separated 10 years ago. And tried the noose out to see what it would feel like. And was reassured to know it was there. I left it up for a couple weeks.

I can't imagine ever choosing to marry again if I got divorced. Frankly, I assume I'll go down with the ship unless she abuses me physically or emotionally on a regular basis. It was daily emotional abuse that pushed me out the door the first time and resulted in my having a disastrous affair while we were separated (which pushed me back along with the abuse tapering off).

Yes, I'm trying to think about what 40 years of this would feel like. I really can't gauge it. I know what leaving would feel like and know I hate that. It's myopia I suppose where I can't get beyond the immediate searing pain to avoid more long term pain. I suppose I'm a coward of sorts.