My mom died in my last semester and I just can't seem to pull myself together

Didn’t see any comments with similar experiences opine...I guess I’ll share my experience with you. I lost my Dad right before first semester final exams my 2L year in Law School. Before the death of my father I already had the rest of my law school classes/clinics mapped out—I HAD A PLAN.

Then out of fucking nowhere on a Sunday morning mid November I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from my Mom. By that evening I had traveled 1600 miles back home. In the immediate aftermath I must have played out in my head a thousand different scenarios for what might happen in the immediate weeks ahead from having to withdraw from classes to completely abandoning my legal career in order to come back home to handle the affairs my fathers estate. My Mom ended up taking everything upon herself and doing everything that needed to be done. Her wish was that I “stay the course” and plan to go back in time for finals...which I did...

So, I continued forward on the assumption that my original plan for finishing up and graduating along with what state I would take the bar exam was the right thing to do...I thought “my Dad wouldn’t have wanted his death to affect my pursuit of a legal career.” So, I moved forward with classes and everything else—I was already engaged with the wedding date set immediate after finishing finals spring of my 2L year. I continued forward with my life thinking I would be able to handle coping with the loss of my Dad while simultaneously maintaining the mindfulness required of someone being put through the rigors of a law school education—and also getting married and taking on everything marriage entails...

Attempting to handle not ONE but three of some of the most significant events a person will face in their lives was a monumental mistake. First, law school was already fucking killing anticipated graduation date was spring of 2016–I didn’t receive my diploma until December of 2018. I finished my 2L year and did fine academically. It wasn’t until summer of 2016 that the effects my bad decision to move forward according to Plan began becoming apparent.

Strange sicknesses, bouts of crying and depression, and the utter bewilderment caused by not being able to comprehend the loss of My Dad—someone who loved me and supported me and was always a source of suppport was gone. GONE. Forever.

The loss is not something I can comprehend to this day and I suppose I never will until I myself die and move on to whatever awaits us all. Even being a person of Faith the loss of my Dad is still overwhelmingly overshadowed by the fact that death is incomprehensible no matter what you believe.

I had to drop summer courses and then was faced with the responsibilities of the clinic I had chosen for providing most of the credits I needed fmy fall semester 3L year. The thing about attorneys is that we can sense weakness and that is precisely what happened with the professor/attorney overseeing my actions in the clinic. Long story short, she sensed the weakness and basically used it to completely to consciously or not—destroy the small amount of gumption I had left after losing my Dad.

She piled on the work and then used the products and actions following this as ammunition for getting me withdrawn from her Clinic. She feigned concern over my future as an attorney along with everything else but when it was all said and done it was her fear of the unknown and unpredictable nature of who I am And her personal dislike of me personally that motivated her selfish ambition to was her hands of me. She was an evil person. She was one of those people you run from...I ultimately fought and was given the option to continue forward in the Clinic over her vehement objections but based on what she had already done to get me kicked out of the clinic or force my withdrawal I knew what I had to do.

You see...I didn’t have the energy or desire to play the games required for someone to complete their law school education. Smiling and agreeing with people you secretly detest and getting along with people who previously stabbed you in the back...I didn’t have anything left! My fucking Dad was Dead! He’s dead! Marriage! Weddings! Insufferable In-Laws!

Everything became a task—something to be “performed.” Life became a series of meaningless tasks and I began to see people as my adversaries. Ultimately, after imploding and sounding my defeat that first semester of 3L year is why I’ve had to drag myself along the path through blood sweat and tears to the place I am now...unemployed and taking the bar exam for the 5th time in a few days...

I don’t know what my story means for you all I can say is that based on my own experience you will be able to handle 3L and will graduate for sure. It is what happens beyond that that I believe you need to really take a long hard look you think you can handle stepping up and facing the even more rigorous demands made in order to pass the bar exam. The bar application is only the beginning of a process that will strip you and challenge everything you thought you understood about yourself.

The bar exam has turned me upside down and chewed me up 4 seperate times. Are you ready to lose your mind? And if you do lose your mind what kind of mind will you find when you come back from whatever place losing your mind took you? I know for me I come back to a mind that’s just been introduced to the reality of ultimate defeat—the ultimate defeat being how all of us will someday die and that the older I’m blessed to become the more people I will have to watch and experience dying.

God, there is a million things I could tell you but I will tell you that whatever you do—have no regrets. I don’t regret what I did following my dads death but I will say that not stopping to come to terms with my fathers death pr that modifying my plans going forward was critical gave me ample opportunity for great difficulty. I’m still in a place after 3 years I would describe as the “limbo” we all enter after graduating law school. I don’t know where I’ll be employed or even if I’ll ever become an attorney.

3 years of limbo vs taking 1 year after my dads death to reset and regroup and then moving forward were/are two decisions you have too make and each will have completely different outcomes.

God Bless You. I will pray for you my friend. I am deeply sorry for your loss.


Sincerely, BNC

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